There’s nothing quite like a good drunken online shopping spree. You never really know what kinds of exciting shit-faced purchases you made a week ago that might show up to surprise you today.
When did I buy a Jeff Goldblum shower curtain? Oh right, I remember now. Where did this purple pogo stick come from? Ahhh… yes, that’s right. Who sent me a box full of custom rubber ducks? Oh. Yeah. I did.
These things happen. About half of Americans admit to having made drunk purchases online. And with one click shopping on Amazon, it’s easier today than it’s ever been to drunkenly buy yourself a surprise gift – or two, or three. But, as it turns out, what you drink actually might be an indicator of how much you spend online when you’re feeling funky fresh after a couple of drinks.
According to a survey done by the rehabilitation company, Archstone, the average amount of money spent by beer, tequila and wine drinkers was all under the $50 mark. Interestingly white wine shoppers spend more ($46.07) than red wine drinkers ($42.03), and tequila drinkers spend less than both of them, at only $40.08.
Then you’ve got vodka drinkers, on average spending $50.50 and rum drinkers hovering right at $53.88.
But gin drinkers are at the greatest risk of overspending. If you’ve got a weakness for the juniper juice, you probably better log out of Amazon and hide your laptop before you get down to the business of drinking it. According to this survey, gin drinkers take the lead in online drunken spending by a long shot – on average spending $82.40.
Surprisingly, whiskey drinkers spent the least out of all. A conservative, controlled $38.84 on average – a full 25-cents less than beer drinkers, even.
So, should we all just stick to beer and whiskey? Is that the takeaway here?
Perhaps. Or, at the very least, just try and stay away from gin if there’s chance you’re going to end up perusing the endless digital shopping isles of the web.
Because, you aren’t just affecting your wallet when you drink and shop – you’re affecting the business of the people you buy from as well. Sure, sometimes these kinds of purchases can be charming, sometimes they can even bring a smile to your face, but often they are just outright idiotic – and the kind of shame you feel when you’ve bought something stupid usually results in a product return.
On one of my own shwifty shopping sprees, for instance, I decided (drunkenly) that I needed a handmade, fifteen-inch, elk-horn handled Toledo steel bowie knife – surely a beautiful piece of craftsmanship. But one that I realized, when it arrived (much to my surprise) that I had no practical use for. At least, not compared to the $350 it cost me. To the disappointment of the vendor, I returned the item almost as soon as I received it.
This is an extremely common occurrence when it comes to tipsy online shopping. And from a business perspective, it is bad news. Returned items are often un-sellable due to shipping damages, and sometimes vendors even have to pay for shipping costs themselves. It seems counter-intuitive, but often times, businesses and vendors hate your online drunken shopping mistakes as much as you do.
So, it’s probably best for everyone if we all just try and stay away from shopping online when we’ve had a few. Either that, or Amazon needs to design some kind of pre-purchase sobriety check-point, like the “click here to prove you are a human” buttons.
“Click here to prove you’re sober” … it might be a useful feature. (At least for all you gin enthusiasts, out there.)