This micropenis taught me more about sexuality than all the average and large penises I've been with combined.

The first time I met Ben, I wasn't into him. He was cool, we had a great conversation, I thought he was an interesting person, but … that was it.

Based on the mental connection we shared, I should have immediately been attracted to him, but I wasn't. Not even close.

After all, Ben was a good foot and a half shorter than me. He was shaped like a well-fed amoeba, hairy in all the wrong spots, and bald save for a greasy cul-de-sac that made him look like the world's most spherical assistant principle.

And, as I would find out later, he had a micropenis. I don't mean it was "small" or "underwhelming," I mean it was about an inch long. I had to dig around to find it and use my thumb clinched with my forefinger to jack it off — and even then, I felt like I was dwarfing him.

On top of his penis situation, Ben didn't take care of his body. He partied too hard, drank too much, ate unhealthily. He burped, he farted, he coughed like he had black lung.

Yet for some reason, I decided to fuck him.

I didn't mean to fall for him afterwards either, but I did.

He won me over mentally. For a variety of reasons I won't exhaust here, he connected with me on a spiritual and intellectual level that no one ever had before by truly listening to what I was saying. By the time I was done having a nine hour conversation with him about this one particular work of art no one else other than him and I appreciate the night we met, I was putty in his arms. What he looked like mattered zero. 

As it turned out, neither did his micropenis.

In fact, my experience fucking Ben, and at least trying to fuck his micropenis, taught me more than I'd ever hope to know about sexuality and confidence. In one, physically mismatched sexual encounter, I think I learned more than I did during the entirety of my sexual experiences with people of average dick size and bodily hotness.

1. Heterosexual sex does not have to mean penis-in-vagina

In my early 20s, I thought heterosexual sex meant one thing: a penis going into a vagina. That was that. I understood that there were auxiliary activities that went along with vaginal penetration; foreplay and such, but the part where someone's dick went inside me always seemed like a welcome main course.

Being with someone with a micropenis completely subverted that assumption. Since Ben and I couldn't actually fuck due to obvious reasons, our sex expanded into thousands of places outside the realm of vaginal intercourse.

Oral sex became a huge thing, as did toys, role play, non-penetrative bondage, tantra, erotic massage and a host of other things you don't need a large, erect cock to do.

Because of the variety of what we were doing and the attention he paid to my pleasure to make up for his own anatomy, I came almost constantly.

Could you say we weren't "fucking" in the proper sense of the term? Sure. You'd be right. But to me, I was getting the shit fucked out of me every which way and loving it, even in the absence of dick. It ruled, and frankly, it shocked me how little it mattered how we were fucking, just that our connection facilitated good sex.

My sexual palate expanded massively, and I was surprised at the kinky, wonderful shit we were doing just because we couldn't have vanilla sex.

2. Spiritual connection is impossibly more attractive than physical connection

Part of what I learned from being with Ben, but more broadly, part of what you learn in the process of growing up, is that connecting on a level outside mutual physical attraction is what leads to the best sex.

Ben and I shared a spiritual connection through a mutual and academic interest in world religion, and it was this intellectual and artistic parallel of ours that made me want to jump him … even though I found him physically unattractive.

The mental stimulation he offered me became almost addictive. Being on the same cerebral wavelength, I was both more comfortable and horny around him because we respected what each other had to say and because we had so much to both teach and learn from each other.

The first night we met, he compared me to a piece of art that previously, I'd never spoken with anyone about. We had an hour long conversation about this one painting that fascinates me, and not only did he know enough about it himself to have an intelligent discussion with me about it, but he intuited enough about me early on that he could compare me accurately to it. After that, I just literally could not not fuck him.

3. Size doesn't matter

Being real for a second here … I've fucked at least 20 men and only two of them have ever given me and orgasm. Neither of them used their dicks to it. One of them was Ben, who's dick is, oh, about the length of a baby carrot … and I'm being generous with that description.

When you're lacking in the penis department, it forces you to make up for it in other ways. Ways like, say, becoming a veritable god at oral sex. Ben was the best oral sex I've ever had, and like I mentioned before, working with a no-dick situation really expands the possibilities of what sex can be.

So, if you find yourself hooking up with someone whose cock looks like a Lil' Smokey, relax. You might be in for some of the best sex of your life.

4. Rely on your brain instead of your body when you're trying to be attractive

You can work out and diet and obsess over how you look all you want, but when it comes to attracting someone, that shit pales in comparison to your ability to stimulate them mentally. That's exactly why there's that annoying saying that goes, "your brain is your biggest sex organ," blah blah blah. It's true, though.

Ben didn't lead with his appearance when it came to attracting to me to him. He lead with his mind, and his attempt to understand mine. And because of that, I was able to disregarding the fact that he literally looked like a troll, something that lead to some of the most fulfilling sex and one of the strongest emotional bonds I've ever had. 

5. You learn not to discount people

Fucking Ben — or more broadly, fucking a guy with a micropenis — made me a more accepting, genuine person. I learned to give people the time of day that I normally wouldn't have had, something that made me less ego-driven and more conscious of other people's well beings, not just my own.

To be seen with someone attractive is nice. But an impossibly nice feeling is to know that while you might not be the hottest couple in the room, you have the hottest connection. Nothing really beats that.

[originally published August 07, 2017]