Let's get to know the candidates, slowly and passionately, on a deeper level.

We're all too familiar with the public personas of the 2016 Presidential candidates. But what are they like behind closed doors?

More importantly, what are they like in the bedroom?

We did some good old fashioned hypothesizing.

The Democrats

Hillary Clinton

There is absolutely no way anyone walks out of Hillary Clinton's bedroom without getting slapped around a little. She's a total cougar, a sexually aggressive lady with experience who can capably skirt the line between dominance and submission, oscillating between the two to fit her mood. One moment she's pegging her lover, who is definitely not Bill, from behind with sensuous intent, demanding he or she tells her who the boss is. The boss is her. The next, she's choking a ball-gagged intern with a boner for older women (again, not Bill). She will fuck you like a man, and it will probably feel a lot like Barack Obama. But then again, all that adulting in her big campaign race can wear a girl out, and sometimes, she just wants to take it. That's when she summons her personal trainer, Stavros, a man who will make intercourse at her relentlessly and passionately until she gives up her strong, independent woman act in favor of being taken like a novella protagonist. It's the only thing that makes her feel feminine these days other than her estrogen cream.

Bernie Sanders

Sure, he may need a little Viagra to get things going, but once he's locked and loaded, he's one freaky son of a bitch and will try anything as to maximize the time his boner is working. His neo-socialist inclinations lead him to believe everyone should get an equal share, meaning you both spend the same amount of time giving and receiving. You take it for five minutes, you give it for five minutes … unless of course you're rich. In that case, you'll be sucking his weener all night long. This all seems cool and fair until his true Larry David colors begin to show, and he immediately starts ridiculing your pubic hair while simultaneously trying to cough one up that's become lodged in his throat. Normally, you'd be offended, but you're not because adorable and once recorded a folk album in the style of William Shatner, something he plays for you over post-sex glasses of sherry, his drink of choice. Because he was born in 1300 B.C., don't be surprised to hear him call you "doll" or "broad" or "sailor." He's one dirty, albeit kinda lurchy, old man.

The Republicans

Donald Trump

The old fuck is used to having beautiful women throw themselves at him for his money, so he's liable to be one of those asshats who just sits back, relaxes and tells you to "make him happy." Perhaps in his younger days he power-fucked escorts in the reflection of gold-plated mirrors a la American Psycho, but these days, his aging orange body drips fat and skin like a spent Yankee Candle, and though he's still erecting buildings, he cannot erect his dick. You have to do all the work, something you should be compensated fairly for, but at the end, he'll take a large cut of your pay out for himself and try to build a fence around you real quick-like. Definitely the kind of guy that would have a stroke and die during it.

Jeb Bush

Everyone's third or fourth least favorite Bush is racked with an Oedipus complex that would melt your face. During sex, he yells for his momma, and you can't tell if he's asking you to roleplay with him or he just really wants to be held by a reassuring matriarch. He's immediately insecure, seeing as you've already had sex with his father and brother, and his performance anxiety is tangible as he fumbles with your belt and spends an inordinate amount of time rapidly fingering your nipples. He will, under no circumstances, ejaculate in your mouth for fear it'll impregnate you (his abstinence-only sex education has created some interesting beliefs), but he will, however, put it in your butt as to leave your precious virginity intact. When you ask him why he's shutting his eyes so tight, he'll say it's because he's imagining his sperm invading your territory just like his ideal U.S. Army would invade the Middle East. When you look down and notice the condom broke, you're half bummed and half excited because you're pretty sure your spawn will run for President in 2050.

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz has sex for procreative purposes only. When he's making baby soup, he cries in the middle because he was picked on in middle school for having a very unusual penis that simultaneously curved left and right, just as his face simultaneously conveyed happy and sad. When he finally orgasms after three minutes in missionary position under the decorative cross on the wall, you can't tell if hurts or feels good because again, his face is permanently locked in a fucked up happy/sad drama mask. If you try to probe and ask whether he's okay, he'll say he's "just concerned for the baby," who by all means, hasn't even been conceived yet. And if you're a man, he'll still be concerned for the baby because Ted Cruz has sex for procreative purposes only. Even if your delicious masculine sweat lulls him into a blissful state of post-coital lethargy, he'll still drift off mumbling about baby names and baptism outfits because, let's say it together: Ted Cruz has sex for procreative purposes only.

Ben Carson

Falls asleep. Has crazy dream he was a dancer.

John Kasich

Kasich is a total lush, a romantic who packed a picnic, rented a horse and carriage, and laid a bouquet of roses in anticipation of having the sex. But, get him into the bedroom, and he premature ejaculates the instant you lay him down. He apologizes profusely, then holds you lovingly in his arms, petting your hair. When you ask if he wants to try again, he responds with "I just want to hold you," and nuzzles his face into the nape of your neck, a move that is so nauseatingly saccharine that you immediately plot an escape plan. Thing is, he's got you in his arms, and has dozed off, intoxicated by feel of your heart beating. Like Kasich in his campaign, you're kinda stuck. You don't want to wake him up because then you'll have to make conversation, but you don't want to lay there for the rest of your life in his embrace, so you just scroll through Instagram for a good four hours until he rolls over, revealing his huge, pulsating boner. You just wish he knew what to do with it … problem is he cut all education spending so he's a little clueless on that front.

Marco Rubio

This guy! This guy loves foreign policy and immigration. His mind is firmly routed in the exotic, so we wouldn't be surprised if he unleashed some sort of global sex sampler platter on us in the bedroom. From French kissing to Indian Tantra to entirely shaved European balls, we'll be on a tour-du-Earth-cock in no time. Plus, with his pro-everyone-coming-over stance, it wouldn't be out of character of him to invite a few friends into the mix. Perhaps a delegate from each country? Orgy participants can work out their country's interpersonal problems mock-UN style, working hard to reach common ground and penis — we mean peace — treatises in which everyone feels satisfied. Don't be alarmed if he leaves you for a moment to engage in a threesome between him, Israel and Palestine, acting as the zesty filling in their sandwich of strife. If all this is too esoteric for you and you just came over to raid his fridge and fuck, take a stroll down to his basement, where you'll find a BDSM dungeon modeled after an exact replica of Guantanamo Bay.