Hickeys? Really, New Mexico?

It’s almost that time of year again, when Nestle, Hallmark and Viagra all conspire to make humanity present a token of their love to that special someone in their lives (god forbid they don’t). Yes, Valentine’s Day is a completely made-up corporate holiday but we kinda have to do it or else look like a total dick. Regardless, bringing the gal a bouquet of flowers and some chocolates will only put the guys back around $20 and there’s a good chance they’ll get some action out of it. Win-win.

For every person out there looking to do the bare minimum on Valentine’s Day there’s that well-intentioned creature looking to go that extra mile, come hell or high water, some man somewhere is bringing his wife that larger-than-life bear to express his undying love … and he’s not alone in his absurdity. This whole grand country is just stewing with terrible gift ideas for the upcoming holiday.

The people at Estately consolidated the latest Google data and determined the most common V-Day gift idea for every state. Denver and Boulder seemingly roasted Google’s servers to find only the choicest “Couples Yoga” classes to rekindle the romance on Sunday. Check out the map for the rest of the states … if you dare.

Virginians get kinky with some “Kama Sutra” which is a whole fuck ton better than couple’s yoga, but whatever, couple’s yoga beats living in Virginia.

Texas, the super-sized state of the union, proved yet again that everything is in fact bigger in Texas with “Plus-Size Lingerie” taking first place.

Then there’s Florida, singlehandedly keeping the Pandora Bracelet alive, because as adults we need to wear every memory we’ve had as a functionless, wearable noise-making curio cabinet.

We see you up there, Montana! “Lobster tails” are your V-Day gift of choice. A few Cheddar Bay Biscuits to set the mood with that bottom-rung seafood dinner date. “What do you say, a girl like you and a guy like me, get drunk on lobster tails and do the old ragtime?”