Crafting a tasteful nude is a more timely task than ever. We’re living in the Renaissance of the Dick Pic — when the inability to meet in person or get within 6 feet of some warm and welcoming genitals has fueled the need for long-distance sexual expression. Receiving a request for a dick pic is both an honor and a burden, like giving a rim job to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. Making your inchworm look like an anaconda is top priority, but it’s just one of the many elements at play.
First, make sure your junk is clean and either trimmed or shaven. You don’t want your penis hiding in a forest of pubes like Dreamers hiding from deportation. You’ll want to be careful of what’s lurking in the background of your photo, such as a mirror or reflective surface that reveals your pimply ass. Try to incorporate soft lighting and more than just your crotch — avoiding flash and including a flexed stomach or thighs will prevent the picture from looking like a mugshot of a disembodied dick. Close-ups expose every penis pore and stray pube, so zoom out by taking advantage of your phone’s automatic timer. Get it hard and grasp it at the base to give a sense of scale and take control of its position in the frame. Bonus points: make it look like your wrist is struggling to support the weight of your beefy boner.
Most importantly, use this dicture as an opportunity to express your personality. Smother your dong in mustard and slide it into a hot dog bun. Put a tiny top hat on its head. Make your dick pic reflect your individuality and they’ll yearn to see it in-person more desperately than they yearned to see daddy at their dance recitals.