In other words, how to perform the ultimate self-sabotage

Surely it's happened to you — there you are; trapped in a tense, hyper-aroused situation in which you really, terribly want to fuck someone, but you also really, terribly can't.

Maybe it's your first date and you're old-fashioned and modest in the same way your Nana was in 1939.

Maybe it's because the person in question is your horrendous ex who's just using you for your strangly muscular body cavities.

Maybe it's because they've got a boyfriend or girlfriend who is 100 percent not you.

Whatever the reason, you probably shouldn't sleep with this person tonight …

… Even though you're going to.

We mean, look at you. You're all sweaty and shit.

But since you're still clearly trying to pretend you're not about to do what we both know you're going to do, we came up with a few solutions — cock blocks, if you will — so you can convince yourself you're not going to fuck that person you're totally going to fuck anyway but let's pretend for a second that you're not going to, okay? Okay.

1. Put the razor down

Guess who's not shaving tonight? You.

Everyone knows that sex can only be accomplished through the mutual rubbing of depilated genitals which display the same tactile consistency as a fresh baby's head, so it's actually physically impossible for you to have sex during a time of heavy forestation, right? Right. 

… Never mind that a few tequila shots completely negates this, or that a little hair down there never actually stopped anyone from fucking, ever. But still … unhand that Bic, because furry legs and a tuft of steel wool pubic hair means that you at least tried. That was cute.

2. Skip the shower

Fully avoiding tub time is a great way to pretend like your massive B.O. is a deterrent from fucking each other. There is absolutely no way Chad or Belinda would follow you into the office supply closet if any one of your hairs was not perfectly shampooed into the silkiest strand it could be.

Shit. You're texting him or her right now, aren't you …

3. Take laxatives or eat vegan food

It is really, extraordinarily hard to have sex with somebody that you totally want to have sex with but can't when there is a Hurricane Katrina boiling in your descending colon.

You could argue that's what mouths are for, but instead of using yours for that, why don't you just use it to tell them there's poop coming out of you?

4. Change his name in your phone to "You Don't Need No Man, You're a Strong, Independent Woman With a Strong, Independent Vibrator."

That way, every time you're tempted to text him, you'll be reminded.

Don't worry though, You Don't Need No Man, You're a Strong, Independent Woman With a Strong, Independent Vibrator knows exactly when you're most vulnerable and will probably be texting you in no time.

5. Experiment with lying

You can't possibly have sex tonight if your cousin is getting out of jail and it's his first time seeing the real world in 40 years and you promised you'd explain iPhones to him at 3 a.m. because in prison, that's prime learning time and he can't really wait because his heart condition, which is serious but improving, causes him to need gluteal injections of steroids every four hours which you must be present to administer lest he start to seize up again like last time. Well, we mean you can, because you have a three hour window until Marcos needs his butt shots, but you should really be going now because remember the vegan burger you ate and the taint forest you grew?

6. Accidentally stab yourself in the heart

You are so clumsy sometimes!

7. Get stung by 10-45 bees

Capture the queen, her soldiers will follow.

Or, if you're privileged and located somewhere with no bees, at least do yourself a favor and eat something you're deathly allergic to keep yourself from fucking him or her. You're doing great! There's no way that, while hospitalized, you'll text out of an overwhelming need for emotional support especially once you realize your fatal allergy might mean you never see that totally fire D again.

8. Google afterbirth

You're already out with him or her, aren't you? You are. We can tell. You're out there, unshaven, unclean, and possibly dying from anaphylactic bee shock, but don't worry! There's a last ditch effort for you, and it's called "Googling afterbirth." Just Google it! Have you seen it? It's not very arousing. It's also foreshadowing if you go home with him. What if the condom breaks? What if your birth control is actually just Pez? What if the sperm that are shed during the passionate lovemaking you tried not to have are highly motivated individuals with superior strength and performance under pressure? Stop asking questions and start Googling afterbirth. You'll not be fucking the person you're probably going to fuck anyway soon enough.