When you find yourself somewhere between the jackhammer, the saint Bernard and the dead fish but you’re still not willing to pack it up and call it a loss, we’ve got your back.

When you find yourself somewhere between the jackhammer, the saint Bernard and the dead fish but you’re still not willing to pack it up and call it a loss, we’ve got your back.

• Keep Score
Courtesy of the geniuses at Spreadsheet, iPhone users may now track every thrust, moan and three-minute encounter by simply throwing the phone down on the bed before getting down and dirty. You’ll learn your average thrusts per minute, your personal records and exactly how stimulating your experience was on a pseudo-scientific scale, because Spreadsheet listens to your vocal performances as well. Add a Fitbit bracelet to track everything from your heart rate and activity level to exactly when you hit REM after you rolled over and forgot the courtesy cuddle.

• Make them Practice
You have to use your verbals to fix the dysfunctional physicals. Say it with us, “I get what I want.” More importantly, you get what you ask for. Practice the phrase, “Could we try …” If you’re getting teeth, dry hands, lips, whatever, just tell your partner what you like and would like more of. Don’t push the pace when encouraging someone else to use your body for practice; you’ll have way more fun teaching than trying to push your pleasure. Lead with a compliment, even if it’s, “You’re an amazing kisser, I’d love to feel those lips/that tongue …” insert your location here, even if that location’s the shower because your would-be hook-up smells like a vagrant on a hot day. If you suck at knowing what to say, practice phrases you’re comfortable busting out when your partner couldn’t find the sweet spot if it came with a neon “Place tongue here” sign.

• Rate Your Date
Everybody knows about Reddit’s hookup review options for hetero men: Creep Shots, Gone Wild, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend stories, to name a few. So for the stories you’ve just gotta tell, there’s an outlet. Go ahead and check out mid-thrust to fully form your narrative here. It’s probably going to be funnier if you practice your lines while they’re fresh anyhow. Be warned, though, now there’s an option designed entirely for women to judge men. Lulu, yet another dating app, takes rating your dates so, so much farther than simple storytelling. It allows fellas to create profiles upon which women may anonymously (and creepily) rate their dateability, right down to “#bigfeet.” Guys must sign up to be reviewed, but they don’t control their profiles. They may, however, view anonymous multiple-choice reviews as well as hashtags tied to their profiles. Whether you’re #godsgifttowomen, the kind of guy who #sleepsinthewetspot or a #pantydropper, you’ll know.

• Practice
If you can’t make it great sex, at least make it a learning opportunity. Seizure-like humping not working out? Take control of the damned situation before you kill your Spreadsheet stats. The best way to become experienced is to get you some of that street learnin’ anyhow. Practice any number of skills you’d like to one day exhibit in the bedroom; you’ve obviously got nothing to lose. Plus, if it’s just practice, you can try anything. Never learned how to put a condom on with your mouth? Well, consider this Hooking 101. Both sad, limp whiskey dick and “I just can’t come” may be forgotten if you just plant your face below deck like you’re fully committed to drowning there. After all, there’s no such thing as a too-experienced palate when it comes to dining downtown, and, to quote our high-school soul mate: “Putting your face in another person’s genitals is, like, the nicest thing you could ever do.”

• Bust Out the Emergency Bag
If you regularly have shitty sex, you’re not only at risk, you’re the common denominator, even if it’s just because you can only close with duds. If you’re at risk for shitty sex, come prepared. Alleviate the pressure when a simple change in positions isn’t cutting it: Bust out the flask, the lube, toys, whatever it takes. Being able to quickly cure a condom emergency can save the date, too, so your emergency bag should have condoms appropriate for your dick or the dicks you might encounter. When little Jimmy can’t get it up or Betty Sue is drier than Barbara Walters, reach for the small packet of lube you swiped from the local health center. Keep the kit small, stealthily accessible and devoid of BDSM paraphernalia, aka anything that would make it look more murder kit than sexual first aid, especially on the first few dates.