You could ask the guy whose dick is hovering two centimeters from your waiting vulva if he has herpes but … he could easily lie, or he might not know.

And the girl you so passionately raw-dogged last night? She's the probable reason why your wang's got the itchy tingles, but you're too embarrassed to text her and ask if she's been tested for gonorrhea lately.

What about your girlfriend, who smartly won't fuck you without a condom, because she's not sure whether your chlamydia's been cured or not?

These are all situations in which knowing someone's STD status would be really, really useful.

However, people are often either too ashamed to admit they have something, or they're not aware they have anything at all.

The consequence of this? STD rates are higher than ever. More people are having more unprotected sex more often, but no one's really sure who's got what, or even how to talk about it.

That's why Mately, a new subscription-based STD testing service app, is pretty much the best thing that ever happened to your sex life. 

Basically a badge of cleanliness (or uncleanliness), it's an app that allows you to verify your most recent STD test results for your partner using your smartphone so that they can marathon fuck you with the extremely relaxing peace of mind that you're not riddled with syphilis. What's more, Mately actually sends you testing kits every 30 days so you can stay on top of your game with regular testing. Perfect for sluts, and we say that in the most empowering, respectful way possible.

It's only $30 a month, which is a living shitload cheaper than getting your testing done at a lab, doctor's office or even Planned Parenthood. The tests probe for a wide range of STDs — including gonorrhea, chlamydia, hepatitis A, B and C, herpes, syphilis, and an early HIV detection test — and you can even administer the tests on yourself, in the comfort of your own semen-soaked home. Mately will then send the kits to be processed in a company-owned testing facility in the great state of Texas.

The service has also taken extra steps to weed out any potential fakers. To ensure it's really your blood and piss that you're sending through the mail, Mately will match the DNA in your monthly sample to a DNA swab test you must undergo when you first join.

Once the results are in, you'll get a link you can use to share your STD test results online with the anonymous stranger of your choice. You can even include the Mately cleanliness badge on your online dating profiles like Tinder or Grindr.

Mately's founder Brandon Greenberg believes this is crucial technology for online daters immersed in the so-called "hookup culture." These are people like you and me who are using technology to fuck, but are also concerned enough about STDs to pay a premium for monthly testing and the ability to share their results online with the human fuck cushions we bring home.

This is a big, big deal. STDs are still such a taboo topic, and people still understand so little about them, that having an app to do the heavy work for you could do wonders for your genital health. It changes the conversation from a blisteringly awkward "So, do you … like, have anything? Because my pussy burns" to a nice, casual, "I'm clean, here's my Mately."

Or, "I have herpes. Here's my Mately. We need to use a condom."

"Right now, when two people talk to each other and one of them asks, 'So have you been tested recently?' the conversation can't really can't go anywhere — even if the answer is yes, does that person have the results to show for it?" Greenberg told Broadly. "Our mission is to make STD disclosure and the testing process a normal, low-stress part of the dating routine."

We know what you're thinking: this sounds like a privacy nightmare. Having your STD status floating on in the open on easily-hackable and dubiously secure devices could really cause a shit storm for you if the wrong people got the wrong impression from what's living in your blood.

However, Greenberg assures that the website hosting the STD results will be both secure and un-searchable — users will be assigned codes, not names, so it won't be apparent who's got a yeast infection and who's got dick warts. You can also only voluntarily swap profiles with other users, so no one can see your information if you don't want them to. Those outside the network will have a limited time to view someone else's profile, and after you share it with a non-Mately member, the link will disappear like your dad in 1990. If you need to, you can also restrict some people's access to your profile. Your ex, for example.

Greenberg also told Broadly the company is open to modifying the way it displays information and will be adding additional privacy features if users want them. Privacy is clutch. As clutch as knowing whether your consensual sex slave has HPV, which is pretty clutch.

Honestly, this app is one of the coolest things we've seen in a while. All of us know that sinking, humiliating and stressful feeling of wondering if we caught something from the leggy blonde last night, and the price and inconvenience of testing doesn't make that anxiety any easier. Mately eliminates that whole song and dance, allowing you unprecedented peace of mind and intelligent decision making regarding your sexual health.

And as your cervix or pulsating shaft will tell you, that's something you've needed for a while.