How to get and give COVID-19: Lessons from Rudy Giuliani

How to get and give COVID-19: Lessons from Rudy Giuliani

Get your hankies ready…

VicesDecember 08, 2020 By Will Brendza

The president’s personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani was admitted to the hospital this week, in a surprise to no one, having been diagnosed with COVID-19.

He is one of the latest members of Donald Trump’s inner circle to come down with the Rona, and at 78, with his health being in a questionable state to begin with, many are watching with intrigue to see what happens to the former mayor of NYC.

But how did Mr. Giuliani come down with COVID? How could someone so well informed about this disease, and the risks it poses, be so careless as to catch it?

Well, he’s not exactly the most sanitary-conscious member of the White House. Nor is he great at wearing masks. Or, for that matter, keeping his bodily fluids off of himself and those around him.

Allow Mr. Giuliani to demonstrate what we’re talking about here — a signature technique he’s developed that we’re calling “The Dirty Rudy.”

Ahhhh yes, there it is. A classic Rudy move: Blow your nose, fold the tissue booger-out, and use the snot-side to simultaneously wipe away sweat and cool your forehead with nasal discharge. Ingenious! And, it’s a really great way of making sure that any virus you might be carrying is exposed, on your face and head for everyone in proximity to catch.

But wait there’s more! Check out this one, of Rudy sitting next to an unidentified woman. Again, Giuliani whips out his infamous snot rag and starts dabbing sweat — but what he does next is pure innovation.

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That’s right — as soon as his hankie was saturated with his salty sweat, he placed it on his knee, gave it a good slap and then immediately stroked that poor woman’s arm with his moist paw, grinning like a creep the whole time.  

That video gets worse every time you see it.  

This guy is a fucking piece of work. But that’s not news. How about that time he dressed up in Drag for a skit, to let Donald Trump motorboat him? That actually happened, believe it or not.

Or, who could forget his recent star cameo in the Borat Subsequent Moviefilm? The one where he put the moves on a young reporter, followed her up to her hotel room and started messing around with his Johnson on camera?

Honestly, Donald Trump couldn’t have picked a more apt lawyer: sweaty, snotty, gross, creepy; a wax man who can’t face scrutiny lest he starts melting; who whips his pants off at the first scent of youthful sexuality.

Those two really are just peas in a pod.

Giuliani recently requested a pardon from President Donald Trump, his client. Though at this time it’s still unclear what laws he might have broken. It’s also unclear whether or not he’ll even need that pardon — depending on how he responds to the virus, he might not live long enough to see the inside of a prison cell, anyway.