Rich Lee is sick of regular dicks. He wants to give you a vibrating cyborg penis instead. In other news, you might be someone's boyfriend very soon!

If you've ever dreamt of a better version of yourself or your fuckboy, biohacking is the way to do it.

Biohacking is a radical new DIY scientific field that is as groundbreaking as it is notorious. Researchers confront the human body with the same ethic a hacker would, using things like cybernetic augmentation, gene sequencing and biological manipulation to upgrade people to a more functional version of themselves.

Referring to themselves as Grinders, this community of fringe innovators centers around the common goal of becoming the world’s first cyborgs, one implant at a time. They propagate an open-source upgrade culture, operating within a strange intersection of body modification, hardware fetishism, and home surgery.

Some of the advances they’re starting to make are truly incredible. Others, like the vibrating penis, are … something else.

But there's no doubt that we'd pass on an opportunity to make our collective penisii more pleasurable for our female counterparts, which is why we've created this step-by-step guide to show you how you can turn your dick into a human vibrator.

Womankind, you're welcome.

Step 1: Find the right man for the job. May we suggest Rich Lee?

Rich Lee is a biohacker set on a mission to eliminate human dependence on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. You know like breathing, eating, water, safety, sex, love, and belonging, all the way through self-actualization.

"Every item on that pyramid I want to eliminate," he told Men's Health. Basic human needs like sex, he says, are just a form of weakness: "Need creates dangerous systems of dependency. If we remove needs, we eliminate that control."

One need he's targeting with his research, apparently, is the need for sex … and vibrators.

Step 2: Let Rich Lee put a bionic implantable vibrator in your penis!

Rich Lee's cyborg Frankenstein invention is called the Lovetron9000. It's an implant that gets inserted just below the man's pubic bone. And it turns your dick into a vibrator.

Implanted within a layer of pubic fat, the machine uses a small motor to send vibrations up into the penis which can be felt by both the man wearing the implant and his partner.  The battery is recharged via a special wall charger that rests on your lap. Just plug your dick into the wall for a few minutes and bam; you're putting the Hitachi Wand people out of business.

Duh, it'll have multiple pulse rhythms to cycle through, and duh, it will be invisible to the untrained eye. However, a textured version will also be available, which Lee claimed will “look all freaky.” Right on.

But, as brilliant as he is, Rich won't actually be the one putting this in your cock. That's what the next step is for.

Step 3: Visit your local tattoo and piercing shop, and leave your insurance card at home.

Going under the scalpel might represent a drastic and harrowing action for some men looking to become sex robots, but Lee assures us that the procedure will be minimally invasive.

Like many cyborg implants, the Lovetron9000 is intended for installation by body modification artists, not surgeons. This is to both keep costs down and offer legal protection for practitioners.

“[Body modification artists] know what to avoid, and what to watch out for. Something like this should be an easy procedure for them and probably take just a minute or two,” Lee said. “Once surgeons get involved the cost of the procedure will be ridiculous, and then only rich people will have a Lovetron9000."

We definitely don't want that. Vibrating dicks for the everyman!

Step 4: Grab a partner but one that'll forgive you for the sex you're about to have.

Although Lee democratically designed the Lovetron9000’s with the your partner's pleasure in mind, there's good news for you too; the same vibrations also provide immsense personal gratification.

But, the downside to that you'll probably come in the amount of time it takes to say "I'm premature ejacu– … fuck."

"I’m still trying to work out some bugs there, so that the vibrations might help you to last longer," he said.

But ladies, ladies, ladies. Don't think there's not a cybernetic sexual solution for you too. Lee also has plans to develop more sex-oriented biohack, including a labial implant that will make use of pressure produced by two electromagnets on either side of the clitoris to stimulate it.

“When activated it will gently squeeze and release the clitoris,” Lee said. “Slowly at first, but then so rapidly that it’s like a vibrator.”

Someone nominate this man for God.

Of course, there are other Grinders with similar sex-cyborg projects in the works. Lee made reference to “crazy biological things to make your semen flavored, or eliminate normal male recovery time between male orgasms.”

But will how will these new technologies impact our sex lives? According an interview Lee gave on the FutureofSex.net, the future of biohacking could range from "bleak to bright," depending on how we engage with it. His opinion?

 I can envision some people with spinal implants using sexual stimulation as a reward system for accomplishing daily tasks like taking out the garbage. I can also imagine jealous or controlling lovers setting their own passwords for your device to inflict some sort of chastity situation. Or maybe your church wants you to take a vow of joylessness and the settings are rigged to continually disrupt sexual pleasure signals. There are all kinds of alien horizons to explore.

In conclusion … eat shit, Lelo?