A longtime fuck-buddy and myself were checking off items on our Fuck-It List, a bucket list of fucking, as you’ve probably figured out, when we came to an item I was particularly excited about: the cock ring.

Cock rings are — you guessed it — rings for your cock. They’re meant to help men get harder and stay erect for longer. The traditional placement is at the base of the penis on top of the balls, but some men place it just under the head, or even around the shaft and balls. Some cock rings vibrate, some are adjustable, but they’re all geared toward leveling the playing field when it comes to reaching the finish line. Pretty genius, considering a male takes 3-5 minutes to orgasm and a woman takes nearly 12-20. All a cock ring is supposed do is increase the amount of time a guy can fuck so his partner can enjoy him long enough to climax.

These things are basic, approachable, and cheap. They’re a great way to introduce a toy into your sex life without terrifying your partner to smithereens. And yet, they’re one of the most vasty underutilized tools for pleasure. Barely anyone buys them, and even fewer people use them with any success.

This is because very few people know what one is, let alone how to use it. In fact, cock rings are so woefully ignored that sex toy manufacturer Lovehoney reported it was the second least popular sex toy sold when compared to vibrators, male toys, strap-ons, dildos, and butt plugs.

Russell, a Sales Associate at Romantix in North Hollywood, CA, claims that cock rings aren’t even close to the first things on his customers’ minds when they come in to shop.

“Rarely will people ask me questions about cock rings,” Russell he told me. “Typically the buyers are individuals that know what they want, know what to use, and know how to use it. Not a lot of people are curious first-time users.”

This, Russell says, is more due to lack of knowledge about cock rings then a malfunction of the toy’s design or an inherent problem with the idea of them.

“Most people who are trying it out have no idea what cock rings are for,” he says. He typically explains to the newbies that are willing to try the ring that it can increase erection time and size, stop premature ejaculation, and just give an extra sensation.

While all that sounds like a win-win-win, Russell also says that cock rings do have their pitfalls, be them user errors or otherwise. The biggest issue users encounter is breakage and finding the right size. The rings come in silicon, glass, wood, and a rubber compound material. The hard materials are made in different sizes, and guesstimating isn’t easy.

It’s also not something you can exactly try before you buy.

“Most people do enjoy them [cock rings] but they get upset if they pick the wrong size and it breaks, understandably,” Russell says. “The biggest issue I’ve ever encountered was a customer that fell asleep with it on and woke up to a very purple penis.”

Several cock ring makers, sellers, and users are adamant about the time a cock ring is left on. The recommended period? No more than twenty minutes. Much like Russell’s sleeping beauty customer, leaving it on for longer results in circulatory issues and pooling of the blood in the penis. According to Herbal Love, an overextended stay of the cock ring on a penis can cause penis deformation, sexual dysfunction, and priapism — or a boner that won’t debone.

People have also gotten cock rings stuck on themselves, so Russell recommends always buying lube to wrench it forth from your pulsating penis with.

Despite all of this not-so-horny information I got from Russell, I still wanted to try one. For first-time cock ring users, hetero or homo, Russell recommends keeping it simple at first. Go with a basic silicon or rubber compound one, and, like I mentioned two seconds ago, don’t forget the lube.

My partner and I had no idea about the lube thing, but we did pick a basic vibrating one made of stretchy rubber, thinking its flexibility would be good for first-time use. There was a vibrating bullet on one side of the circular, flexible device, that managed to make the whole thing buzz with excitement. I had selected a bright blue one because I thought it looked like an astronaut helmet. Looking back now, I realize that’s a stupid reason to buy something.

It seemed like a pretty simple toy to use: put it on the base of the penis so the vibrator can stimulate the clitoris and, at the same time, the pressure slows the blood flow to the shaft.

When it came to play time, the ring slid on easily enough, but my partner wanted the bullet on his balls, not facing up so it rubbed me. We disagreed on this, as I felt the bullet should benefit my stimulation, not his. I suppose that’s selfish of me, but it was also very correct of me.

When he thrusted, the vibrating bullet ended up closer to my belly button then my clit. Keeping the cock ring stationary over my sensitive area wasn’t really an option, unless he wanted to just sit there with his penis inside me, not moving at all …

So we tried me sitting on top, and I still wasn’t feeling the vibrations quite where I wanted them. Him behind … nothing. We even tried reverse cowgirl, thinking maybe the bullet would arouse the taint, but it did no such thing.

To make things more trying, the stretchy material of the ring did not provide the tight grip around the base of his penis like it was supposed to. Essentially, his penis was just wearing a pretty necklace, with no impact on blood flow or erection at all. Because the ring stretched, it was impossible to make it tighter.

I was not feeling the vibrator and he was not feeling the tension … this cock ring was not working in either of our favors.

“Maybe if we put the vibrator on my balls…”

He was just so committed to that idea. I let him enjoy the cock ring as a solo endeavor, seeing what it felt like to have a vibrating bullet on his scrotum. The result was underwhelming.

In the end, the cock ring seemed more a cockblock ring to me, and I can actually see with frightening clarity why they’re so widely unloved. But, I am still going to give it another go .. maybe with more lube next time, and maybe with one that doesn’t stretch.

I guess if at first you can’t cum, try, try again.