Few holidays are as easy to ruin with a well-placed conspiracy theory as Thanksgiving. When you gather family members over liquor and wine, starve them all day with the smell of roasted turkey and mashed potatoes, and then sit them down to enjoy conversation, well, the table is set for an explosion. The mix of personalities, different perspectives, black sheep uncles, bizarro aunts, unhinged cousins, and out-of-place married-ins makes for a dangerous experiment in social chemistry.

We don’t know about your Thanksgiving dinners, but that tension has always been palpable at my family’s. There is subtext in every request to “pass the green beans.” People tiptoe on eggshells around sensitive topics. They’re overly polite to avoid confrontation. Because they can feel it too, vibrating under the table like stretched cables at the brink of cataclysmic failure. All it takes is one strategically placed comment, a bomb dropped at the right time and the right place, and the whole precarious event collapses under its own weight. Fists start pounding tables. People’s faces redden in anger. Fingers are pointed. Accusations are flung. Then, time slows down, Mozart’s Requiem in D Minor starts playing, and food starts flying — stuffing, turkey, grandma’s brussels sprouts — women scream, babies cry, and you’re there at the center of the chaos, laughing hysterically, maniacally, at the disarray you’ve set in motion. 

It’s a powerful feeling. Believe me. That’s why, this November, we’re arming you with a set of the most controversial, divisive conspiracy talking points we could muster. Consider this your arsenal. 

Bon appétit. 

Oprah is a Child Trafficker

Once the nation’s favorite talk-show host, Oprah has been embroiled in controversial accusations lately. With all this chatter around Jeffrey Epstein, rumors have bubbled to the surface about Oprah’s involvement in exactly the same enterprise. Friends with Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton, Harvey Weinstein, P Diddy, and who could forget John of God (look him up), Oprah runs in some kinky circles. She introduced many soon-to-be-victims to their abusers. But that all pales in comparison to the strangeness that occurs at the private girls’ school she runs in South Africa, where girls are secluded from their parents, groomed, and have been victims of numerous cases of sexual abuse. 

Would you pass the cranberry sauce?

Bill Gates Funded COVID-19

It’s no secret that ol’ Billy Boy was canoodling on Jeffrey Epstein’s island, and that’s why his wife left him. It’s also been obvious for years that he wants to sterilize people with mass vaccination experiments. But the real kicker is when you start looking into this nerd’s connections to COVID-19. He, along with the World Economic Forum (WEF), helped organize a little get-together known as Event 201 (look it up!), a high-level pandemic simulation exercise that only elites were invited to months before the pandemic started. In 2016, he gave Moderna a $20 million grant to develop the mRNA vaccine, which he then pushed as hard as a non-medical authority could. And while you won’t find the receipts, it’s a guarantee that he made mountains of money off of that vaccine’s distribution. 

I’m about ready for seconds. You?

Kurt Cobain Was Murdered by Courtney Love

Kurt Cobain was addicted to drugs, depressed, and on the verge of divorcing his cheating wife, Courtney Love. Four days after breaking out of rehab, he was high on an immense amount of heroin, and allegedly, grabbed the longest, most unwieldy gun in his house, a 20-gauge shotgun, and somehow managed to shoot himself in the head while so high he could barely function. Usually, when people are that zooted, they can’t operate a firearm. If they kill themselves, it’s with an overdose. Then, Love conveniently found a clearly forged suicide note (LOOK IT UP!), which took all attention off of her, and she rode into the sunset, riding on the coattails of Cobain’s fame and, importantly, his fortune. 

Time for dessert! 

The NFL is Scripted

Football is as important to Thanksgiving as pumpkin pie. But most people don’t realize that it isn’t technically a “Sports League” — instead, it’s legally classified as “Sports Entertainment.” What’s the difference? A sports league, like the Professional Bowlers Association, is just an organization that curates and organizes competitive games and events. Sports entertainment, on the other hand, is more like the WWE. It can legally interfere with, alter, or script its outcomes. It can curate Cinderella stories, highlight pop culture shifts, and make sure Taylor Swift gets as much screen time as possible — all in the name of maximizing profits. Next time you see a weird call by a ref, take note. Not all is as it seems on the field. 

Stick a fork in me. I’m stuffed