You're really going to let the Internet decide on your outfit today?

Every day it’s the same thing. I wake up, make a lunch for work, hop in the shower and stay in 10 minutes longer than I had planned. Then, as any normal person would, I brush my teeth and pick out an outfit that’s either at the top of my folded pile or hung in the closet — a sure signal that it’s in fact clean.

At no point in my morning routine do I stop to think what anyone else wants me to be wearing on that particular day. Something like that hasn’t crossed my mind since middle school.

Yet, without fail, every time I log on to the Internet, I see another dumbass headline from someone pleading for men to not wear something they’ve deemed inappropriate for whatever reason. Skate shoes, fedoras, hoodies, flat-brimmed hats — everything imaginable it seems has come under anonymous fire at one point or another. But cargo shorts continually elicit the most heat. Why? Honestly, who knows …

To that, I simply say: Fuck off.

“Dear Men, Please Stop Wearing Cargo Shorts” – Buzzfeed
“26 things every man should take out of his closet and burn” – BusinessInsider
“13 Things Every Guy Should Take Out Of His Closet And Burn” – BusinessInsider (Yes, again; and from the exact same author as the one above. This Linette Lopez sure hates cargo shorts. In fact, we found two other posts from this same site condeming the style. Jesus.)
“20 things men in their 30's (and up) should stop doing.” – Sherdog Forum
“We Don't Hate Cargo Shorts, But We Really Don't Like These Cargo Shorts” – GQ
“Cargo shorts are the worst thing a man can wear in the spring and summer — here's what you should wear instead” – BusinessInsider (AGAIN!)
“15 Things You Should Never Let Your Guy Wear” – WhatToWear.com
“Bros, Stop Wearing These 10 Things If You Ever Want To Get Laid” – BroBible
“Five Things Men Should Stop Wearing Immediately” – DudesDigest
"What You Should Stop Wearing When You Hit Your 30s" – Says.com

Actual credibility of those aside, who the fuck do they think they are? I get it; it’s the way the Internet works sometimes. Pick out a few keywords and run them into the ground. I’ll bet a shiny nickel they all got the clicks needed and likely (or, ‘hopefully,’ rather) some of them don’t even believe what it is they type.

Surely a human being in 2016 has enough sense to not really give two shrugs about what another person is wearing. That logic might be shooting for the moon, however. Anyone can dream.

Here we are though, a culture obsessed with fashion. Who’s wearing what dominates headlines and all some self-absorbed celebrity has to do is wear a plunging neckline to trend online with millions of eyes fixated on that single choice someone we don’t know made at one point in time.

It’s pathetic, really. Because here’s the thing, if I was choosing a shirt — or shorts with extra pockets —in the morning during my routine, and I actually stop to think about what someone will say about that choice, I’ve been systematically manipulated. I’m consciously making an effort based off of what someone else is thinking. That’s control, period.

You’re not living a life you want to based solely on trite rhetoric and mob mentality of complete strangers. What you wear has zero impact on how your day flows, much less someone else’s.

Like hell I’m ever going to let that kind of mental circus show happen to me.

Let’s not forget as well, that judging someone based off of an outward appearance is a shallow way to separate those we do like compared to those we don’t. If you’re so against a few extra pockets of fabric sewn onto the legs of someone else’s shorts so much so that you feel like you should be dubbed the mocking arbiter of Cargotopia, what keeps you from feeling that same kind of anxiety when a different colored person walks in your general path?

You’re just a dick. Plain and simple.

So to all the guys wanting to sport cargo shorts with a fedora, or ladies itching to go out to the store wearing leggings as pants while sporting a tangled “night-before” up-do situation — rock it. Let everyone else worry about what you’re wearing. You’ve got more important things to decide on today.

Be in control of your own life.

Besides: extra pockets. The hell wouldn’t I wear cargo shorts?