Have you ever dreamt of destabilizing foreign powers via subversive, cloak and dagger tactics? Has international espionage always seemed to call your name? Do you ever imagine yourself staging coups, propping up drug cartels and collecting critically confidential intelligence, all in the name of national security?

Well, if you answered yes to any of those questions, we’ve got good news for you:  the CIA is hiring. In fact, they’re so serious about recruiting fresh blood into the agency, they’ve revamped their entire recruitment website, to be sleeker, sexier, more informative and easier to use than ever. They want to “diversify” the spy agency, by bringing in Americans from all different kinds of backgrounds, experience, walks of life and education.

They warn up front, though, that the hiring process usually takes more than a full year. They only accept applications online, no high school diploma is required, you must be a US citizen, at least 18, willing to relocate to the Washington DC area, complete a background check, polygraph test interview, physical and psychological examinations and pass an extensive drug test.

Oh, and if you follow them on any social media, you’re immediately disqualified from the hiring process.  

No, it isn’t a simple application. But, should you be hired by the CIA for one purpose or another, you’ll have the rare and exciting opportunity to participate in this country’s extensive back-channel black-water reconnaissance and world-domination schemes!

So, what kinds of jobs does the CIA have available at the moment? As of this writing the CIA was seeking collection management officers, directorate of language operations officers, operations officers, and paramilitary operations officers. They’re also in need of customer service representatives, IT officers and property management specialists (though those are notably less-exciting, lower-security-clearance agency roles).

And for young whipper-snappers not-yet-out-of-school, who are still seeking to have a hand in clandestine shenanigans, the CIA is offering Internships as well! It’s never too early to start your deep-state intelligence career.