They should teach this in school instead of math.
Everything has an extensive list of rules built around them — so why did it take us until 2015 to write them about sex? The good people of the Internet finally put their heads together and got around to codifying how to get nasty.
The debate is still raging over at Reddit, but these are the top 18 that everyone seems to agree on.
1) It is not to be used as a reward nor withheld for punishment.
That's something everyone can get behind.
2) Laughing during sex is perfectly fine and sometimes beautiful. It doesn’t have to be rigid and serious, just have fun. If you let out a little fart by mistake, laugh it off. If the positions are awkward, make a joke.
No laughing at body parts, though. The rule is more about laughing together, not at each other.
3) Always wash your butthole.
4) Do not stick a floppy dick in a girl’s vagina. It’s called foreplay. Do it. Do it often.
This little trick is called "soft serving" the lady underneath you, and no one wins. If you ain't ready, no amount of cramming is gonna make things okay.
5) Communicate. Having sex with someone who is silent is like having sex with a tranquilized mattress. It sucks.
It's the key to a good relationship. Do it all the time.
6) Don’t analyze it and turn it into a formula… and the more you want her to like it, the more she will. Your body knows what to do.
Writing your name with your tongue on her fun button is totally overrated. Play a little jazz down there. Improvise.
7) Not in the eye.
8) V to A, you’re okay. A to V, burns when you pee.
Just like wiping from front to back, there are basic anatomy lessons that everyone should keep in mind. And it rhymes, so that should help.
9) Sex or any type of hookup should end with both being happy. After I go down on you, it isn’t cuddle time goddamnit. Put my peter in your mouth.
If you're both not happy, then what's the point?
10) If she’s asking for you to cum inside her, don’t cum inside her. It's a trap.
11) Pee afterwards. ALWAYS.
Unless you want your urination accuracy to plummet (or to get a UTI), just take a quick piss after the cuddling stops.
12) If you can smell it by the time you hit the belly button, cancel the show.
Keep things tidy down there, people. This goes for both sexes.
13) It’s only gay if balls touch.
Agreed. Eiffel towers all around.
14) If you slip out, don’t fret. Laugh it off because nothing turns the ladies on more than good, ol’ inefficient American sex.
Missionary position? Are there others?
15) Anything goes when coke is involved.
Drugs can be a game-changer in the bedroom.
16) Don’t put your dick in crazy.
17) No blood, piss or shit.
Unless that's your thing. Then put down a tarp and give 'er hell.
18) She’s only fat if your friends see her.