You know, there’s a reason the phrase “useless twat” has never been heard on the floor of Britain’s Parliament—it reeks too much of American bravado.

I know it’s somewhat of a dick-move to slag on America’s reputation, especially with having recently celebrated our nation’s independence, but because of the actions of two leaders in Washington, I’m not entirely inaccurate.

Enter alleged former sex worker Lauren Boebert and human Howler monkey Marjorie Taylor Greene.

If you’ve been paying attention to the world of politics AT ALL during the MAGA era, then you know these two elected officials really don’t like each other; their ridiculous shenanigans have kept them in the headlines for so long that there is no way of feigning ignorance towards this fact. When watching the battle over the last year or so, it’s been like watching a child who eats worms for attention without a care as to whether the attention is “good” or “bad” … they simply crave the notoriety.

Now, because of how much material there is to cover when it comes to this battle, I wanted to limit my focus towards a couple of the more hypocritical/classless/harebrained attacks levied by each combatant. Beginning with …

Jewish Space Lasers

With how dominant Boebert and Greene have become on the 24-hour news cycles with their bullshit, a lot of Americans often see these two as interchangeable. This is something that has infuriated Boebert. So much so that she had to make a statement clarifying these differences.

“I’ve been aligned with Marjorie and accused of believing a lot of the things that she believes in,” Boebert said. “I don’t believe in this just like I don’t believe in … Jewish space lasers.”

As the Camp Fire raged throughout Northern California in late 2018, Greene took to Facebook to hypothesize that former California Governor Jerry Brown started the blaze with space lasers. Greene noted that “there are all these people who have said what looked like lasers or beams of blue light causing the fires,” and then claimed that “space solar generators”—devices concocted by those hoping to “replace coal and oil”—have the power to “collect the suns energy and then beam it back to Earth.”

So, yes, Boebert does have a point when it comes to the Jewish space lasers. But then again, it’s important to remember that Boebert recently said that the human fetus is an endangered species. Given that, per the CDC, there were 3.6 million live births in America last year, I find her comments to be just as in the realm of “shitdiot” as Greene’s.

White Supremacy

Another fight that has stemmed from the mass confusion brought from monster known as “Laur-eene” comes in the form of Boebert’s utter disgust of white supremacists.

When speaking to the Associated Press earlier this year, Boebert not only reiterated her Jewish space laser attack, but this time she added a bit of a spin that allowed the focus to shine a light on Greene’s attendance at a White Nationalist event held by Nick Fuentes. “I have been asked to explain MTG’s beliefs on Jewish space lasers, on why she showed up to a white supremacist conference … I’m just not going to go there.” Boebert said. She continued, “[Greene] wants to say all these things and seem unhinged on Twitter, so be it.”

Though Greene did in fact speak at an event held by a white nationalist, I’m stunned how easily Boebert forgets the fact that the president she fervently supports—Donald Trump—has repeatedly refused to disavow the white supremacist organization known as the Proud Boys or their actions. In fact, Boebert’s crush once told them to “stand back, and stand by.” I guess her tolerance for racism is in direct relation to how much she likes the person it’s coming from.

Verbally Vomiting in America’s Institutions

Thus far in 2023, Laur-eene has used various locations in the halls of Congress as a battlefield—airing their dirty laundry for all to come and take a nausea-inducing sniff. To these ladies, nothing is sacred.

During the numerous votes held by the House of Representatives to elect their new speaker in January, tensions between the two were at an all-time high; Greene backed McCarthy’s bid to become House Speaker, while Boebert was strongly opposed. This culminated on January 3rd where, during the McCarthy speaker row, Boebert and Greene reportedly had a shouting match in the women’s bathrooms by the Speaker’s lobby that was heard by many of those within earshot.

Not satisfied with keeping the fight hidden from view, Greene decided to raise the bar by calling Boebert a “little bitch” on the House floor in June. Said Greene, “I’ve donated to you, I’ve defended you. But you’ve been nothing but a little bitch to me. And you copied my articles of impeachment after I asked you to cosponsor them.”

That’s right, the entire outburst was because Greene had already made several attempts to impeach Biden, and Boebert copied her homework without changing it enough for the teacher.

It’s hard to believe these two women are fighting on the same side, the same team. Outside of the fact that they both heckled the Hell out of Biden during his 2022 State of the Union Address, all their interests are based on nothing more than self-serving opposition. Though this strategy works well for appealing to those who have zero self-awareness (the Republican party in general), it’s a strategy that will eventually cause their eventual downfalls. 

Though there’s nothing we can do about Greene, the same can’t be said for Boebert—she’s in our backyard.

We know she’s going to continue her illogical tirades and legislative practices for as long as she’s in office, she can’t help it. I’m just hoping that by the time of her re-election in 2024, the citizens in Colorado’s 3rd District learn that in the grand pecking order of her concerns, number one ain’t you.

In fact, you ain’t even number two.