Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Have you ever thought about how the way you hit on people is extremely creepy and off-putting? You should, because the stars have made you uncharacteristically friendly this month. Just know that while you think you’re cool, not a lot of other people do. Confidence only matters when you’re genuine. Sorry we're not sorry, but you need to exercise some humility and empathy if you want to have the sex.

You’re one of the signs that most appreciates balance and order. Thank f-ing god, because this month, you’ve worked yourself into such a tight routine in your romantic life that, as you read this, you’re probably getting ready for your 7:13 p.m. Sunday night hand job. Just be prepared to go with the flow if that routine changes … 7:15 p.m. is also prime HJ hour.

If there’s been a recent imbalance between your secret life and the mask you wear, your soul vibrations are bound to give the impression that … you know what?  Fuck it. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. PU$$Y MONEY WEED. PU$$Y MONEY WEED. PU$$Y MONEY WEED. PU$$Y MONEY WEED.

You know what’s really disgusting? Your parents had to have sex to make you. Your dad’s balls were like, really tight and full of ball juice and you were part of that ball juice, and your mom was a receptacle for that and now here you are. This month, the stars are suggesting that you do the same, but we’re suggesting you stock up on Nuva Rings because you fertile, boo.

We triple dog dare you to tell your crush you want their hole, because this month, the stars have given you a certain magnetic charm that others will find irresistible from now until summer’s over. Of course, this magnetism will also attract various assorted humans of the “scrub” variety, so make sure they get no love. That’s the kinda guy that can’t get no love from you.

Your reign of heartbreak and horror continues this month when a good friend of yours cockblocks you at every turn. Stop and think about this friend … it’s possible they harbor secret feelings for you. It’s possible they’re fat and overprotective. It’s possible they’re a quarterback who keeps “throwing interceptions.” Boy, are we funny! Either way, 86 them from Friendship Island.

Two trains are traveling towards each other on the same track. One is speeding at 67 M.P.H. The other is your sex drive. At what point will your sex drive be strong enough to derail a train? Well, according to astrology, about mid-month. Whether or not you have outlets for it, you will be one horny motherfucker this June, and viewer discretion is advised. Drink a lot of pineapple juice … or don’t.

This June, take turns playing the pursuer and the pursued. For the past lunar cycle, you’ve been playing one role, but in order to fully appreciate the effort your partner(s) put in, you have to take a walk in their shoes. Granted, they’re those “barefoot”-things with individual pockets for each of your toes, but then again, this is a great time to ask yourself what you saw in them anyway.

A wise man once said, “Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who?” This month, change “dog” to “cock” because your dick will be out there, running so wild you would swear it was a mangy coyote. If you’re a chick, apply “boobs” instead. Venus is in your 12th house, which can imply impulsivity and indiscretion, but as long as you’re honest about your sluthood, you’ll succeed.

Do you believe in life after love? Cher does. And you should too. Because although you’ve suffered a recent heartbreak at the hands of someone dear to you, know that this June, you’ll be able to move on. All it takes is realizing that you need to be with someone at least 45 years older than you. Preferably one that can’t walk, and has a lot of money. Life moves on — even though your new partner doesn’t.

For someone as inventive as you, you’re having a really hard time figuring out new things to try in bed. After all, curiosity can be a blessing and a curse. But this month, the stars take the responsibility to experiment out of your hands by putting you into contact with someone even freakier than you. Just keep your heart open, because it might not be who you think … Okay, it’s Sam. It’s fucking Sam.

One of your favorite things to do is to philosophize about love and glean it for meaning, but what you should really be gleaning is the underside of someone’s ass cheeks … the underbutt. Yes, the underbutt. Because this month, any soul searching you do with manifest itself physically, and the only way you’ll find the answers you’re looking for is to put your little slut face in them. Daddy like.