Today marks the day that porn is officially over. You guys can all go home, nothing to see here, nothing to see.
Today is a very sad day, because today is the day that porn died. Its cause of death? A proposed regulation in California that would force all porn performers to wear goggles as part of a stricter set of STD regulations on porn sets.
What kind of goggles, you ask? These kinds, baby:
Well, that's okay. We all know porn is more about the dialogue …
… Not! This isthe most terrible/hilarious thing that's happened to porn since balloon humping porn became a thing.
The goggles are just one small part of a larger plan to protect California porn performers from STDs, which also includes film producers paying for medical visits, Hepatitis B treatments and making sure there are proper showers on set. Word's still out on how much looking like a dingus stops the spread of herpes, but hey, we no do science good.
But while you can't argue that it's a bad thing to protect performers from disease per se, it's also kind of fucking ridiculous that forcing them to wear goggles is part of that plan. How many times have you gotten at STD through your eye? Zero million times?
Plus, we're pretty certain goggles will murder the ever-diminishing adult entertainment industry in California, where there are already strict STD prevention guidelines that performers worry will both push viewers away, and actually make sex even more unsafe for them. If you want to know more about that read our article about how condoms, not STDs, are public enemy #1 in the porn world.
But forcing performers to wear condoms is an entirely different thing than forcing them to wear goggles. Condoms are meant specifically for sex (and water balloons), so seeing them in sexual situations doesn't necessarily murder the mood. But goggles … goggles are for keeping toxic chemical sludge out of your retinas. Forcing porn stars to wear them makes sex seem like this ultra-sanitary, pre-planned event. It pretty much strangles any sense of spontaneity or reality, as no couple fucking in real life has to deal with whether or not it's safe to bone if their eyes are unprotected. None of that is sexy, none of that is real.
… But it is hilarious! And if porn is just going to gradually morph into comedy, you won't find us complaining.
The forced-goggle measure hasn't passed in California yet, but it's looking like it will. Of course if it does, it's possible an entirely new protective eyewear fetish will be born and everything will be okay, but in the off-chance that doesn't happen, there's always vintage porn shot during a time where aesthetics trumped syphilis and everyone went home happy.