Ah, children. Those greedy little bastards tear your life apart like it’s wrapping paper on Christmas morning. Sure it’s infuriating, but there’s nothing you can do about your kids until this backwards nation legalizes abortions past the third trimester. 

Research shows that most couples hit a sex slump after having children. Two main reasons why: your relationship is suffering and your mama’s needs aren’t being met. Marriages struggle when kids rob their parents of sleep and a social life. If your wife is feeling sleep-deprived, socially isolated, or sub-human, pressing your nut button is not her top priority. Luxuries like orgasms are at the tippy-top of our hierarchy of needs, and sexual fulfillment can come only after our more fundamental needs have been met. 

Studies also show that relationship dissatisfaction develops when there’s an unequal division of domestic labor — typically when women take on the brunt of the housework and childcare. When these chores are shared, however, perceptions of relationship fairness and satisfaction improve, and couples report having significantly more sex. Splitting childcare duties has the biggest impact in parents’ sex lives, and playing a more active role helps you get the kids out of your hair so you can get balls-deep into your wife.