We've had enough, ladies. Please quit it.
In an effort to get laid over the last 300 years, men have had to put up with a lot of fashion-based nonsense. Usually, dudes will just ignore the offensive clothing in question, laugh politely and hope to have some sex with you, but it seems like 2015 is somehow worse than previous years. A lot worse. So much so that our primary objective of gettin' freaky has taken a backseat to having a stern conversation about what the hell you're wearing. This is an intervention, ladies. And just keep in mind that we wouldn't do this if we didn't really care about you.
After polling every dude who was on Facebook yesterday, here are the main fashion offenses that men just can't stand anymore.
1) Septum piercings
Man, how the hell did this become a thing? Everyone needs to rebel and make a few bad life choices, and our best guess is that a pierced septum can qualify a girl as "edgy" and "cool" without any permanent damage, as you can usually rotate it up and hide it in your nose if you need. It's a smaller commitment that tattooing words like "Breathe" and "Smile" on your wrists, but honestly — you could just skip the angsty phase of your life, or maybe just pierce a nipple if you absolutely have to do something. What looks like two shiny boogers has never once helped a girl's look. And we googled it all afternoon.
2) The "side shave" haircut
Goddamn it, Skrillex. You come out of nowhere, bring intolerable music and stupid fashion, and then leave again. You're like the 1980s. And since then, thousands of girls around the world decided that copying your stupid haircut would be a good idea, so people can think that they're interesting and edgy. Really, it just looks like they had to shave a part of your head so doctors could perform brain surgery. And then there's the awkward "growing my hair back out" phase … just skip that by not doing it in the first place.
3) Beige everything
This one might just be Kim Kardashian's fault, but that won't stop us from complaining about it. It's just as bad as the recent neon trend, but in the completely opposite direction. It's potentially the most boring color in the entire world, and it makes you look kinda naked when you're really not. Expand your color pallette just a little, ladies.
4) Dressing like a deranged homeless person
Spend exactly 30 seconds near campus, and you'll see no less than 30 girls that look like they just rolled out of bed: messy top bun, ratty sweatshirt, yoga pants, Uggs, and a disgruntled look. We get that it's comfortable, and that's fine. But when that "oh shit I'm late for class" look bleeds over into reality and you still can't be bothered to put on real pants for a nice dinner, come on. If men (the most slovenly species on earth) can comb their hair and wear jeans, we're sure that you ladies can handle it too.
5) Mom-butt jeans
This has to be a cruel joke perpetrated by the denim industry in reaction to tiny jean shorts. Or something like that, because how else could anyone justify dressing like their own fashion-backward mother? Any girl good-looking enough to still be attractive wearing these is really only handicapping herself, as normal clothes would return her to her normal hot state. Why make the world a worse place?
6) The "Han Solo"
We get it: Han Solo was a complete badass. It was so cool when Leia said, "I love you," and he just said, "I know." But that's still no reason for most girls to dress exactly like him whenever the temperature falls below 50 degrees. The cute boots, the puffy vest, the long sleeves … if you have to dress like this, change at least one element so you don't resemble mid-80s Harrison.
7) Harem pants
To get this stock image, we googled "stupid pants" because we weren't sure exactly what these stupid things were called. Never go to Aladdin for fashion advice. Derivations of these drapey monsters have been popping up all around Denver, Boulder and Fort Collins recently, and we like it to stop. Thank you.
8) Prescriptionless hipster glasses
Again, this falls under the "edgy and interesting" category by dressing like everyone else. Remember when we made fun of nerds who wore glasses? Those were the days. And if you really want frames with clear lenses to complete your look, just watch "American Psycho" and then re-evaluate your choice.