A man and a woman are in a room.
The woman lies prostate on a table; her limbs strapped to its legs. There's something stuffed in her mouth that muffles the sound of her whimpers. Or, are they moans? Around her neck is a collar. Like a dog. She looks cold and vulnerable. She couldn't move if she tried.
The man takes out a switch and begins to whip her with it. Little, quick smacks ripple across her flesh. She squirms as her body responds to the lashing.
Then, they have sex. Or, rather, he has sex with her.
Some of you will read this and think "That's horrible. That poor girl." You'll be sickened by the man, who you feel has degraded and abused her.
Others — and you know who you are — might read the same anecdote and immediately experience the tight internal simmer of jealousy: that should be you on that table. You admire the man and the woman for the trust and intimacy it takes to do what they did and … oh look, you have a boner.
There's no question that sexual submission, particularly on the part of women in the context of BDSM, is a controversial topic. Many people feel that it's misogynistic, degrading and abusive for a woman to "endure" the act of submission, yet, these are the same people who don't understand that that's exactly what some women want.
Scratch that. Crave.
In fact, a hefty 64 percent of women have a sexual submission fantasy. That's well over half of ladykind who see joy in things that other people see pain in. Even more surprising to noobs; women are more into BDSM than are men; Around 11 percent of men and 17 percent of women reported being actively engaged in a sex life that includes bondage. Shit, our own 2016 Rooster Sex Survey found that 28 percent of women fantasize about submission, and that the fantasy women would be most interested in trying was — you guessed it — BDSM (62 percent).
Given these numbers, it shouldn't be hard to see that many (and in some cases, the majority of) women want to engage in sex acts that others consider degrading.
So, what's behind the mistaken belief that a woman allowing herself to be made "powerless" is bad?
In short, it's a nothing more than a lack of understanding about the practice of BDSM itself. People without kinky inclinations, who've never researched BDSM or taken the time to get to know people that have, simply lack the frame of reference to understand that "degradation" can be liberating and confidence-boosting.
As submissive sex blogger pinksubgeek writes on the site submissiveguide.com, "Anyone who blindly says that women are exploited in the D/s [Dominant/submissive] lifestyle has no idea about what really goes on in the community. From what I’ve seen, the D/s community is one of the most open, outgoing, friendly, and welcoming groups out there. No one is exploited in any way; whether you identify as a Dominant or submissive, Top or bottom, Master or slave, you are revered and coveted for being who you are.
When I read about how the kinky community supposedly exploits women, I see red. Given our mantra of Safe, Sane and Consensual, the idea of exploitation really doesn’t fall into the equation. I see more examples of exploitation in the Vanilla World on a daily basis — just watch an episode of Jerry Springer or Maury Povich if you don’t believe me."
There's misconception that submissives are powerless, but that couldn't be further from the truth. When things are consensual, the submissive is always the one running the show, even if it doesn't look like it from the grime-encrusted laptop screen you're watching from.
This unseen power comes from explicit and educated consent. For a submissive, this typically means discussing their boundaries with their partner beforehand, giving directions for how they want the scene to go down, granting their partner(s) permission to carry out these directions, and formulating a plan so that everyone involved feels safe, comfortable and in control.
When submission is consensual in this way, it' not demeaning; it's completely empowering.
What's isn't empowering, is being told your desires are degrading by someone who doesn't understand or share them. Being made to feel like what you truly want — what you think is fun and hot — is wrong, is in itself degrading. After all, the definition of "degrading" is "causing a loss of self-respect; humiliating." Is it not humiliating or detrimental to your self-respect to be told your sexual desires are wrong, when they feel right?
Beyond the benefit of empowerment, many women find that submission, particularly though bondage, it actually relaxes them. In fact, there's a new trend sweeping the U.S. called "meditation bondage," wherein people are tied up in seemingly excruciating positions to de-stress from their day.
This photo is from a The Sun article called "My favorite thing to do is get hogtied," about the practice of meditative bondage and how something some people see as abhorrent is actually peaceful and joyous for others.
And not only is offering up control and letting someone else take the lead calming, but it's healthy too. In fact, members of the BDSM community report higher levels of happiness and lower levels of mental illness than the rest of us muggles.
This distinction between degradation and empowerment/release is something that porn stars who engage in BDSM videos are intimately familiar with. More than anyone, these are the people that are required to uphold the kinky mantra "Safe, Sane, Consensual" as they navigate through intense, physically and mentally challenging scenes that demand total consent, comfort and safety. So, we thought we'd ask them how they feel about whether or not submission is empowering or degrading to them, and we attended a reading for porn star Jiz Lee's new book Coming Out Like a Porn Star to do it.
Here are a few of their responses.
Nina Hartley
"Far too many people conflate domination with abuse. It's not degrading or abusive if the people involved say it's not; if they want it and have given each other permission. It's not up to you to call someone else's behaviors degrading when they're consensual and wanted. You can't project your moral ideology onto a act of passion between strangers who aren't you. Now, if someone does something to you that you don't like, you have a right to say it's degrading. If you intentionally degrade someone else without their consent and desire, that's degrading. But, when there's consent who says it has to be? Sex means what you make it mean. As long as enthusiastic consent is part of the picture, submission is a beautiful, powerful thing."
Milcah Halili Orbacedo
"Seeing my name in porn gave me a sickening sense of faith … now my name wasn't a symbol of some sad past, but of a woman strong enough to be submissive and vulnerable in a the space of professional BDSM. Once on the set of Electrosluts, Mz Berlin punched her fist into my cunt over and over again, the image that would become to cover photo of the scene. When I saw the photo, I felt proud.
… Never had I ever been pussy punched before. The production crew lubed me up well, but it wasn't just that. I was extremely wet. No water what Mz did, even if she humiliated me and cattle prodded me, it aroused me because she stayed within my limits, and I felt heard, and held. The element of consent made me open with such a force, I could take anything and alchemize it into a positive and pleasurable experience." – excerpt from Coming Out Like a Porn Star by Jiz Lee
Venus Lux
"If you're with someone who thinks what you like is degrading to you, fuck that. Find someone who's on your level, who understands that dominance and submission is a consensual, agreed-upon act with rules and boundaries. It's empowering specifically because it's safe and you have control."
Audrey Holiday
"In choosing to submit to someone, you are allowing that person to be a participant in your fantasies. Power exchange only comes with the consent of the submissive. In this sense, the submissive is really the one in control. We say 'I'm giving you permission to do what you want to me.'"
All of this is to say: to each their own.
It's not for you to judge someone else's sexual desires as wrong or bad if they're safe and consensual, just like it's not for other people to judge your desires as being boring or vanilla. That doesn't mean you have to personally like submission, BDSM or any other sex act for that matter — it just means you should respect people that do.
Alright? Alright. Rant complete.
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