When the PLUR gets in your eyes, take this test to find out if your partner really lights your fire, or is just plain lit.
The two of you are there on the dance floor, encased in an shield of bliss that not even the pulsating bass of DJ My Day Job Is Bagel Delivery Boy can penetrate. All around you, the scenery fades away as your pupils dilate towards one another. You breathe in together; perfect synchronicity, as sparks fly. In, and out. All you're aware of is each other's heartbeats. Regrettably, they're not quite 120 BPM, but it doesn't matter because you're caught in each other's kandi web.
You're both so beautiful, so young, so down to fuck because one of you shaved, and now nothing's gonna get in your way.
Time slows down. You lean in for the kiss. It feels like Hiroshima, or at least really wet in your pants. You may have made an oopsie.
We zoom out. It's New Year's Eve, or insert some other important American holiday here.
Is it love you're feeling in this situation … or are you just rolling face?
Take this quiz to know for sure.
1.) When you first met, you …
a. Caught their eye from across the room and smiled flirtatiously.
b. Magically guessed their favorite drink and ordered it for them.
c. Noticed them dancing to the terrible music and wanted to get on their level.
d. Did a rail off their xiphoid process and immediately commented on their neon tribal tattoo. What does it mean? Does it have to have a meaning? Can you give it a meaning? You can? Okay. It means "omelete" in English.
2.) Since you met, how has your relationship progressed?
a. You've gotten a few drinks, shown each other pictures of your emaciated rat terriers and exchanged phone numbers because you're *definitely* down to see them again.
b. You've beaten them at shotgunning beers and made out with a stranger you mistook for them because they both have heads.
c. You've attained intimacy by licking certain illegal substances off the roof of their mouth, but aren't sure whether it's an all-night commitment or just a one-bump stand.
d. You've said "I love you," had a conversation about international unity in which you both cried, met their drug dealer "Da X-Man," and gone on a friend-collecting spree during which you've mutually acquired between 20-45 strangers you're now in the process of getting home addresses from because these wedding invitations aren't just gonna send themselves!
3.) When your partner holds your hand in public, you feel:
a. Connected and happy they made a romantic gesture.
b. Like they're trying to stabilize you because you keep tripping over sidewalk cracks.
c. Their hand, which is super clammy and corpse-temperature, yet strangely velvety.
d. I feel like the way we hold each other is indicative of how we hold ourselves within society, for it is not about possession, but about the coming together of two light beings to create an entity that vibrates on the wavelength of galactic harmony.
4.) What do you friends think about this person?
a. He/ she is lit and/ or nice.
b. That they represent the incredibly small percentage of living creatures that, for some reason, are interested in drunk babysitting you and indulging your vodka games. Bravo.
c. They're curious as to why there's a grown man or woman in goggles softly smelling your hair all night, but they're cool with it.
d. By friends do you mean every single person in the whole warehouse? What a goooood question, you're gonna go ask them ALL. PLUR PLUR PLUR PLUR PLUR.
5.) When you picture a future together, what do you see?
a. Meeting up later in the week when you can actually hear each other talk, LOL!
b. Going back to your house and breaking in that new sex swing, which is really just your neighbor's porch swing but … shh.
c. Seeing if all the hype about sex on molly is true.
d. You see each other as old, successfully retired adults who have self-actualized and fulfilled their dreams. Their names are Ted and Martha. Or Larry and Gary. Or Terri and Perri. They are free, free free to breed Golden Retrievers in the sky and tend to their waterfall plantation, weee!
6.) How many fingers am I holding up?
a. I actually can't see through the computer … why are you asking me this?
b. Six. It's always six.
c. Ha ha ha, 11! AAHH!
d. You don't care, you just want to put the fingers in your mouth and taste the rainbow.
6.) Sex. How does it feel right now?
a. Good, like they know every curve of your body and can read your mind to figure out what you want.
b. You've had better in your lucky Applebee's restroom stall, but you'll take it.
c. Amazing for the first two hours, then slowly becoming mediocre as bodies chafe and penis blood finds a better place to be.
d. It was great until your bodies turned into butter and melted into the bed, now you're just riding out your seventh refractory period of the night until you can resume insertion.
7.) How much molly have you taken tonight?
a. None. I am driving, I am sober, and I will announce both these things audibly at will.
b. Can we change the question to how many beers have I had? Because 1,700.
c. Oh is that what that was?!
d. MOLLY IS NOT A DRUG, IT'S AN INTERPERSONAL CONCEPT. Burning Man. Bonobo.
Mostly A's: It's love. Fuck you.
All aboard the S.S. Fuck You! We regret to inform you that what you're feeling is real, bona fide love, and you're now impervious to ridicule. That pisses us off and your happiness is disgusting, but rest easy knowing that while you formulate the strong bonds of trust, commitment and intimacy this New Year's Eve with someone who could be your soul mate, we'll be formulating the bonds of lips on Jack Daniel's bottles with someone who could be our roommate if we could only afford this apartment.
Mostly Bs: Drunk in love
You're not rolling face, but your blood alcohol content is 0.03 percent Rolling Rock. It's hard to say whether or not you're in love with the human being you're dragging around, not because the feelings aren't real, but because right now, you need them for survival. You need someone to hold your hair while you vomit, take your muddy shoes off when they tuck you in bed, put a cool towel on your forehead, and be ready in the morning with breakfast pizza. If that's not a diluted, fucked-up form of love, we don't know what is.
Mostly Cs: In love with the idea of being in love on drugs but probably not in love on account of the drugs
Listen, you went out tonight hoping that, in some drug-induced state, you'd find someone that's uninhibited enough to share a semi-emotional moment with you before giving you the 43rd best sex of your life. However, your increasing lack of sobriety makes it difficult to ascertain whether the connections you're making are legit.
You're maybe in love but maybe also on drugs? Everything is a question? At this point, it's definitely worth taking them home, and then gaging your level of nausea upon seeing them when you wake up. If you can keep down last night's taquito platter, it's a good sign there may be feelings involved. If you donate your earlier meal to the toilet, you know you were just rollin' around.
Mostly Ds: Where's your face? It rolled away.
You're rolling so hard you could be a D.I.A.-bound tumbleweed getting stuck in the engine housing of your parent's Rav4 as they attempt to drop you off at Departures after showering you with Christmas offerings you don't need.
Is it love? Shit no. Does it matter? Definitely not. Will you remember this? Selectively.
All that matters is that you've found a partner in crime for the night. Here's to hoping that banging is bangin' and that Diplo dildo is lit and PLUR and kandi.