Donald Trump has been called the nation's "First Porn President." Ever since he entered politics, the market for Trump smut has been booming. PornHub, RedTube and Brazzers are all getting in on the action — offering viewers a peek of their president in the bedroom.
Not himself. Of course. But in porn parody.
He’s a natural public figure to feature in a porno. He’s a shameless womanizer: marrying, divorcing and re-marrying, and juggling countless affairs in between. Plus, his obscene tendency to grab ‘em right by the pussy plays well into the porn narrative.
After watching tons of skin flicks featuring the commander in chief, only a few favorites stand out for their plotlines, performances, and strange ability to arouse.
1. CUCKOLD TRUMP
Cuckold Trump takes the cake as our number one presidential porno. Unlike every other skin flick on this list, Trump never gets his dick wet. Instead, president Obama’s penis is the star, as Obama breaks into Donald’s house to have sex with a willing Melania.
After a climactic scene of tying Trump up and criticizing his work in the White House, Obama turns to Melania with lustful eyes. “You’re unfit to be president and unfit to tap this immaculate booty,” he tells Trump before plowing his wife.
This porno is remarkable for the political jokes peppered throughout, ending on a high note of, “Thank god you have Obamacare, you’re gonna have to pay for a torn vagina.”
For the finale, Obama’s service agent puts a contraption on Trump’s head that forces his eyes open. Obama proceeds to cum on Melania’s face while Trump watches, finally reaping warm gooey vengeance on his successor.
2. DONALD TRAMP IN THE WHITE HOUSE – THIS IS GOING TO BE UGE
Donald Tramp in the White House: This is Going to be Uge is what it looks like when a hard-hitting one-on-one interview with the president takes a turn for the erotic.
After about 5 minutes of dodging questions about his racist and misogynistic statements, Trump begins to successfully seduce his interviewer into believing that he’s the leader America needs. He suggests they have sex while he whispers racist comments in her ear, and she eagerly agrees.
Unfortunately, Trump fails to deliver on his promise to whisper sweet racist nothings while they hump. He does little more than moan and groan for the rest of the film, and gets very noticeably sweaty, even with the woman on top.
This smut fails to make the first place ranking primarily because we’re not big fans of the actress’ botched boob job. It’s difficult to focus on our pleasure when we’re incessantly wondering why her breasts are so far apart.
3. MASS DEBATE 2016
This smut is so bad, it’s good. It started out with a lot of potential: it offered an orgy among Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Megyn Kelly. However, it quickly becomes clear that this porno over-promised and under-delivered.
First, it’s obviously very low budget. The actors couldn’t be bothered to memorize their lines, so they read from scripts on their podiums.
But our biggest qualm with this production is the time spent actually debating until the candidates start whipping their genitals out. Sure, we finally got some answers to our questions concerning immigration, but that’s not what we came to PornHub for.
It takes a full ten minutes of watching actor performances so awful, it’s actually physically painful to look at, until Trump finally starts finger-banging Megan Kelly on her desk (around 10 minutes, 30 seconds in), and Hillary and Bernie follow their lead, fucking one another on the floor.
Once the debauchery begins, no one ever switches partners, presumably because the producers don’t want to pay the actresses extra money to fuck two men. No one ever breaks their political professionalism either — they all keep their clothes on the entire time.
If real-life Trump has a personal favorite, this one seems like a real contender. We all know that Trump loves porn, because Trump loves porn stars. It’s also safe to assume the egomaniac has watched all of the erotica featuring his likeness. No doubt he prefers fantasizing about screwing Megyn Kelly more than seducing some ethnically diverse no-name reporter or watching Obama have sex with Melania.
Trump, no doubt, would most love to have sex with himself. That porn doesn't yet exist.