Forget the lessons you learned on pornhub.com; it’s been lying to you all along.

Forget the lessons you learned on pornhub.com; it’s been lying to you all along.

Arousal:

Average women need 10-12 minutes for arousal. However, porn would have you think a woman’s engines are immediately warm and ready. Any girl not in a swimming pool will gladly admit things down there don’t magically transform into a slip-n-slide simply by delivering a pizza or fixing the broken sink. For the average lady, it takes 10 to 12 minutes of foreplay before the car is going in the garage. And with your stamina, that means you have about 14 minutes to convince her that you’re the right man for the job.

Penis size:

Average penis size of porn star: 6-9 inches; average penis size of regular male: 5-7 inches. This doesn’t bode well for the average man. Guys can attest that sometimes it’s demoralizing to watch porn and notice the male porn star sports an anaconda while they’re stuck with a baby carrot in a briar patch. Sorry fellas — and ladies — but your eyes and guilt don’t deceive you. So women, don’t be too hard on your man. And men, stop crying after watching porn.

Longevity:

The average man ejaculates in three minutes. We at Rooster have always debated why porn lasts 90 minutes when in all reality about 5 minutes is necessary for the solo mission. Turns out, nature agrees with us as well. While porn stars pump like it’s the North Dakota oil boom, most men last a whopping three minutes in the sack. Luckily for all women, man’s unbelievable ability to cuddle is what locks down the return customer. No? That’s why the next comparison is important.

Orgasm:

71 percent of women don’t orgasm through penetration solely. All these years, through rain and snow, fear and tribulation, man has searched for the holy grail of the perfect sexual thrusting combination to satisfy his partner. And all these years, girls have tirelessly and relentlessly expressed to guys that it’s more than just penetration. For this miscommunication, we blame porn. The starlets seamlessly climax with the slightest touch when, in all reality, only 29 percent of women orgasm with only penetration. Unlocking the safe requires a little more than putting the key in, fellas.

Load on the face or swallow:

22 percent of women say they’ll take a load on the face; 30 percent will swallow. Porn trends would indicate that come the end of intercourse, it’s appropriate to pull out and spread the love all over the starlet’s face. Sounds enticing, but you try that in the real world, and you’ll end up a eunuch. Only 22 percent of women said they’d be OK with a man blowing his baby batter on their faces. And only 30 percent said they’d swallow. Moral of the story: Keep it old-fashioned.

Threesome:

Less than 20 percent of women are willing to have a threesome. Yes, we’re saying classrooms don’t descend into threesome anarchy and sensual punishment when two female students get into trouble over chewing bubble gum. In porn, threesomes are as common as the bad plot lines that precede them, and it’s all a fantasy. Less than 20 percent of average women claimed they would engage in a threesome. There’s a reason why it’s called a unicorn; it’s possible there’s one out there, but for most, it’s just a pipe dream.