Since the book was released in 2011, sex toy injury rates have more than doubled across the country. Don't you people know how to use an elecrolyzed Area 51 Love Doll?
See that empty chair over at Bob's desk? Yeah, he's "out sick" today. But given the recent surge in sex toy injuries following the release of Fifty Shades of Grey, it's much less likely that he's down with the sickness and way more likely that he he swallowed a burger-shaped ball gag and is currently recovering from an emergency tracheotomy.
That's because the number of Americans sustaining grievous injuries from sex toy mishaps has doubled since 2007, according to data from the Consumer Product Safety Commission. Much of that increase happened in 2012 and 2013, following the release Fifty Shades of Grey, which has much more people hearing things like "The proctologist will see you now."
Naturally, the overwhelming majority of these sex toy boo-boos (83 percent) require "foreign body removals," which is a nice way of saying that people have been shoving things a little too far up their assorted orifices. Mr. Grey would not be pleased.
These injuries involve typical sex toys like dildos and butt plugs, but you'd be surprised at the range of "sex toys" people fuck themselves up with that you can't exactly find at Fascinations. Some of our favorites include umbrellas, saunas, hearing aids, luggage (excluding foot lockers), false teeth, contact lenses, wheelchairs and … artificial Christmas trees.
Was there an orgy at Walmart or something? No invite?
Not surprisingly, the median sex toy injury victim is a middle-aged man, in the midst of a midlife crisis and trying to solve it with Porsches and artificial Christmas tree sex. Fifty eight percent of sex toy injury patients are male, and the median age among this group is 44. The women are a bit younger, with a median age of 30. The oldest man in the dataset is 85, while the oldest women is 67.
It's good to know that even in the twilight of your life, you'll still have the sex drive necessary to get dentures lost in your colon.
Most of the injuries aren't terribly severe, although some are. Seventy one percent of patients are treated and released day of, while 25 percent require hospitalization or transfer to a different facility.
On the bright side, none of the cases required assistance from the fire department, and there were zero deaths recorded, unless you county the death of dignity as a death.
There's no direct proof that Fifty Shades of Grey actually caused this epidemic, but we probably can thank the novel and recent movie for the recent boom in sex toy sales. Market research firm IBIS World estimates that adult toys were a $608 million business in 2013, and credits the erotic novels with driving much of the industry's 7.5 percent year-over-year growth.
Just remember, children … when role-playing in the dungeon, safety first … because we're not taking you to the hospital with a gerbil stuck in your bum.