We'll never look at baked beans the same again …
The Internet is a terrifying place. But if you ever want to feel better about yourself, just check out the "Ask Reddit" section and prepare to learn too many things.
Thanks to Redditor Bhatzlehah, we now know the answer to the question: “What fetish did you try that went horribly wrong?”
Buckle up, kids.
This immediately comes to mind, though, as I used to date an incredibly kinky woman. I didn’t stay with anyone long if they weren’t creative and adventurous. And before you ask, most BDSM is considered light to vanilla by my tastes.
Anyway, I’ll rename her Lucy. Lucy was about 5’10 with a figure like an hourglass where everything went to the bottom half of the hourglass. Pear shaped extreme? Dunno. Face sitting was a big thing of hers. So was food stuff and mess play and a bunch of other stuff but for this story the ones named were important.
I’ll cut the extra droll details of setup and the origin of various fetishes and get right to the point. Lucy wanted to fuck in a bathtub full of BBQ beans.
So one Saturday we go to Sam’s Club and buy a bunch of mega packs of beans. We’d done a bunch before and after this so this was just our current weekend, we’d be on to something else after this, so setup was pretty fast. I’d never done this exact thing. Anyway. I’m a pretty thin guy, around 130lb at the time. Lucy is a thick concubine of about 165 I think. So we’re in the tube trying to figure this out. I remember how oily this shit felt. It was like sticky and slippery at the same time. Eventually we’re both just brown and covered in this stuff. Lucy wants me to eat her out and stands up and hefts that huge ass she had back at me and I start going to town. The taste was… Yeah. Vagina and beans. Pretty much. Anyway. Beans are slippery remember. About 20 seconds into this Lucy slips, knocks me back, I go UNDER THE BEANS, and she’s now on my face holding me down because the tub isn’t that big honestly and she’s on top of me in an awkward position myself while I’m under for like 20 seconds about to drown in ass and beans.
Tl;dr about drowned in ass and beans. ~ BLASPHEMOUS_ERECTION
Sex swing. Bought one for g/f’s apt. I was hanging it up to the roof in these shitty apartments while she was at work. Got it up and decided to test it before putting her in it. Sat down. Put a little more of my weight on it. Lifted one foot off the ground, then another. Sat for a second, her a pop and crack. I looked up and the bolts broke free of the rafter. I’m staring up at a 5-10 pound steel bar falling right into my forehead as my ass hits the ground. I’m not sure how long I was out for, but I awoke on the floor half-wrapped in a leopard print sex swing. ~ Aubear11885
She told me that getting head from a girl with mints in her mouth was just heaven, so we gave it a go. But she didn’t have any mints. Or any mint chewing gum, or chewing gum at all. What she did have though, was those melt in your mouth strips that come from Wrigleys, and the like. Buuut, it wasn’t mint, but Big Red cinnamon. Okay, whatever, same diff, right?
Possibly, but we didn’t get to find out. Turns out you have to let those suckers really melt on your tongue, and swish them around your mouth with some saliva to get them going. She just threw it in to her gob, and went to town on me.The entire strip just came out of her mouth, and landed on the head of my wang, and started melting away there.
Jesus Suffering Fuck, it was as if it was one of those chemical self fire starter things, out to start the next Fire of London. I leapt off of the bed, kneeing her in the jaw in the process, out in to the adjacent kitchen, and got my dick in to the closest source of water, which turned out to be dirty dish water, in a pint glass. Picked it up, lowered it down, and raised it up to dunk my dick in it. Fuck, that hurt. I also had to reach in, and peel the decaying strip off of my glans, as it was still there and wouldn’t just fall away in to the water.
Only then, naked, heaving and covered in panic-sweat, did I shudderingly acknowledge and apologize to the two other girls sitting at the kitchen table drinking wine.
It was going on thirteen years ago now, and my stomach was all clenched up just writing this.
TL, DR – Damn near set my dick on fire. ~ wet-paint
We did a little bit a rape play. She was yelling stop and don’t. It was kinda hot. Afterwards we were in the shower and heard banging at the door. The neighbors called the cops… I almost went to jail for being freaky. ~ The_Naked_Russian
Pop Rocks blowjob when I was younger. Take my advice, don’t do it. It feels like your dick is navigating poorly through an asteroid field. ~ TON3R
My partner and I decided to try a BDSM play activity known as “figging.” You take a large piece of ginger root and shape it into something that resembles a butt plug. When inserted, it causes a burning sensation that gradually gets more intense.
So we get the ginger, make it into a plug with a flared base. It was a long root, so the flared base wasn’t as large as it is on standard plugs. He ties me down and puts it in my butt. Sure enough, it starts to burn like crazy and it just keeps getting stronger. I struggle around in pain while sucking him. Clenching makes the sensation way more painful, so he kept ordering me to do that. It started to come out, so he went to adjust it and he just happened to push it in a bit too far and just like that, my ass sucked it up.
“Shit it went all the way in!” He said. He tried to get it out but couldn’t. Keep in mind I’m in excruciating butt pain as this is happening. He untied me, and we teamed up: I put my fingers in my pussy to try to guide it down through my vaginal wall while he tried to get it out of my butt. We were trying for about 15 minutes while I’m crying. It was very humiliating but not in a sexy way. Eventually he has his entire hand up my ass and manages to grab it. We have not done figging since. ~ FlyLesbianSeagull
Me and the lady tried to incorporate whip cream into our sexy time, we didn’t have any so thought that honey would be just as hot and freaky….it’s not, it’s way too sticky. Fun fact: when you are covered in honey any pet hair that may be in your house is magically drawn to you. Ugh, it was awful. ~ KidGrundle
Had a girl tell me she likes it rough. I think “not really my style but we can try I guess”. I put on the condom, go in and she slaps me hard across the face. I lose my boner, sex is over. We broke up a week later and she tried to convince me she’s pregnant with my kid… that was the only sexual encounter we’d even had. She still sends me Facebook friend requests almost a decade later. ~ InfamyDeferred
Texted my girlfriend in the morning to blindfold herself and be naked in the living room on her knees waiting for me when I got home. Forgot about it by the end of the day (and it wouldn’t be unusual that she’d ignore my suggestion anyways).
Ran into the neighbor on my way into the apartment building. “Sure come on up and I’ll give you back that DVD I borrowed”
Was a little embarrassing for everyone (and no, it didn’t lead to an impromptu threesome). ~ evilmonkey2
Learned too late that there are special candles for wax play. My nipples still have nightmares.
Tried a strap on with my girlfriend, too. ONCE. I had a panic attack, it was just too weird for me, regardless of who was wearing it. ~ dialinga481
I’ve tied up an ex, started out fine, then she starts freaking out and hyperventilating. Scared the shit out of me, she had no idea what made her react like that. ~ SaltySeaDodger
Back when I was a horny teen around Easter I got my boyfriend to put a Cadbury’s creme egg up my vagina. I have no idea why or how it came about but it happened. The problem is that moments after it was up there it started melting. Chocolate and fondant everywhere. We panicked and started to try and scoop it out. It hurt a lot. After trying to figure out how to deal with the situation there was a knock on the door my mother. I walked past her like a duck and took the most painful bath ever leaving my boyfriend at the time mortified. Would never do again. ~ LittleLittleGremlin
Semi-public sex in high school. We went under a bridge. It was kind of muddy and gross, and there were ducks hanging out close by. I couldn’t focus on pounding my gf because I was concerned that a duck was going to bite my balls while I was distracted. ~ deadbird17
Tried putting my penis in a vagina. It went ok I guess. But it was messy afterwards and long story short now there are two small humans running around my house just fucking up all my stuff and preventing me from consuming dank memes 24/7. It’s a problem. ~ paper_liger
Oh man, that last one is a killer. Poor bastard.