Everyone knows Colorado is the healthiest, most intelligent, and 11th-most well-endowed state in the nation, but until now, it hasn't been recognized as the sexual playground that it is. That's why, here and now, we're giving it our own awards for facilitating your sex life with this scientifically-accurate list of the state's best places to get it on. You're welcome!

Everyone knows Colorado is the healthiest, most intelligent, and 11th-most well-endowed state in the nation, but until now, it hasn't been recognized as the sexual playground that it is. That's why, here and now, we're giving it our own awards for facilitating your sex life with this scientifically-accurate list of the state's best places to get it on. You're welcome!

Okay, enough foreplay. Here are the best places to …

… Have sex outside

In the rocket ship at Boulder's Scott Carpenter Park … during a rainstorm. When nature calls, answer it in a rocket ship play structure built for children but better suited to facilitate your outdoor-sex fantasies. Here's about infinity reasons why: first, your libido raises when you're outside. Fresh air makes you feel energized and healthy, and the outdoors are associated with freedom and animalistic desire. Second, when there's drama in nature, like a thunderstorm, the danger-factor kicks up your libido-level to 11. Third, the risk of getting caught is, at best, ridiculously high, which we know increases the risk and excitement component enough to send your sex into hyperspace … which is more than we can say for that rocket ship itself. And fourth? You're inside a cage. A sexual rocket ship cage. As if that needs justification.

… Have a threesome you never want to tell anyone about

Milk Bar in Denver. Nowhere in Colorado do more freak flags fly than at goth night at Milk, a place where wanton sexuality is encouraged by the vampire-grotto atmosphere and a healthy crowd of people who don't give a shit what you think about their assless chaps. Somewhere in between the dominatrix drag show and the absinthe cocktail you just took down, you might find yourself between two juggalettes who are so faded on Faygo that they succumb to the anonymity their ICP face paint grants them, and decide to toss caution to the wind … but not without removing their raccoon tail butt-flap belts and bondage pants first. It's hands down, the best place to go to have a weird sexual encounter you can't even tell your diary about.

… Do some BDSM

Denver Sancutary: It's a members-only BDSM dungeon and fetish social club that offers "play parties," classes, and monthly meanings to indulge your inner sex slave. And it's a hell of a lot easier than trying to solicit someone to "whip your butt like a prize stallion" on Craigslist.

… Blow your entire paycheck in the name of romance

The St. Julien Hotel in Boulder. Money can't buy you love, but it can buy you a room at the St. Julien Hotel, which is arguably the most romantic hotel in Colorado and the perfect place to have "I-can't-believe-you-took-me-to-this-hotel-I-must-be-really-pretty" sex. They've got a little trick they do, which is send a bottle of fancy-ass champagne and chocolate strawberries to your room, which would break the romance scales if you weren't already busy making out in the Greek god-style pool …

… Join the Mile High Club without boarding a plane

Independence Pass. Federal Aviation Association regulations and a recent uptick in airline horror stories have really crushed our dreams of joining the Mile High Club. But thanks to Independence Pass, the country's highest-altitude road, you can still get it in at near-cruising altitude. At 12,095 feet, it's as close as you can get to Mile High Club sex but mercifully free of the pee-soaked lavatory and 15-year prison sentence.

… Relive the mud-orgy at Woodstock

Arise Music Festival. Remember the Woodstock mud orgy? Unless you're our dad, we're guessing not because 9/10 people reading this were disembodied globs of genetic material in 1969. But you can recreate history's most epic music festival orgy at this year's Arise Music Festival. Mix three days of music, yoga, art, and belly dancing with an outdoor Loveland setting and Colorado's notoriously schizophrenic weather patterns and what do you get? Mud and a bunch of people horny from the belly dancing and EDM. 

… Have sex if premature ejaculation is your thing

The gondolas at Keystone Ski Resort. Not all of us are long-distance runners … that was a sexual metaphor. If you're King of the 90 Second Sex-a-Thon, the most thrilling place to bang is in a high-speed gondola at one of Colorado's ski resorts. If you time it right, you can get a private one for you and your partner, sending you at sub-mach speeds through the air, flying over the ski resort as you consummate your union. But you have to finish before you reach the top, or you'll risk ruining the innocence of the ski school troupe at the top of the mountain.

… Sexually re-enact Titanic

In your car during the winter. Nothing beats the bone-chilling cold of Colorado's winters like body heat. If you're feeling fertile and want to relive what you call "2001: A Virginity Odyssey," head to your car and do what your bodies were meant to. Don't worry about being seen; the heat and moisture from your bodies will fog up the car windows Titanic-style, and you can high-five the car window and make a hand print like Rose for posterity.

… Experiment with low-oxygen sex

Mount Elbert. It's the highest possible point in Colorado, which means there's less oxygen there than anywhere in the square state. And guess what some experts have linked to more intense orgasms? Yep; lower oxygen, which is why erotic asphyxiation has quite the cult following. See: David Carradine. But when you chose high altitude over David Carradine-like maneuvers, you don't have to go anywhere near anyone's neck to get the same effect. Plus, the novelty of a new place and the risk of insanely high heights will flood your brains with dopamine, another brain chemical that super-charges your orgasms.

… Show high tuition prices who's boss

The Norlin Library Stacks. Whether you coughed up $60K on a communications degree or you've never stepped foot onto campus, having sex in the Norlin Stacks is the best way to stick it to the man … while literally getting stuck by one. They're usually deserted when it's not finals or 420, and the "education literally fucked me" symbolism is almost enough to get you there on its own.

… Have or give a clitoral orgasm

TurnON Colorado. This place is like heaven for the clitorally-minded. As an Orgasmic Meditation practice, they've got a handful of "master strokers" on staff who are trained to rub clit in a very specific way for 15 minute sessions.There are more than 400 officially trained strokers here in town, and the sessions, held every Wednesday morning, are regularly attended by about 20 or more people.  So next time you’re feeling like maybe you'd like a stranger to make you come in a room full of people who you'll now avoid desperately, head on over and make your wildest dreams come true.