It's 2:21 a.m. and your fuck buddy KyleAshleyDrew comes over to bone, then leave, then not speak to you for four days.
You can't wait.
The anticipation of emotionless sex is thrilling. Your panties are either bulging, soaking, or both.
As the door opens and the electric space between you shrinks with the oncoming embrace of your bodies, you hungrily await satisfaction, but then — shit hits the fan.
KyleAshleyDrew starts doing a weird, dead-fish impression, remaining immobile while simultaneously moaning like a trod-upon Pomeranian.
He/she tries to kiss you but your teeth gnash together and your tongues tangle in each other's tonsils.
You're slowly grinding while they're pounding you hard enough to build a solid foundation for an apartment building into bedrock.
They come instantly and you … burned six or seven calories.
It's all wrong.
A crushing disappointment rises inside of you as you wipe their saliva off your forehead. A realization: you should be suck and fucking each other, but instead, you suck at fucking each other.
Your fuck buddy and you are sexually incompatible.
How could this be? The entire point of your relationship is to bang, yet what you're doing is more like literally banging than having sex.
What do you do? Do you ghost them and begin the long and arduous search for another fuck buddy who'll pork you at your beck and call and let you explore your sexual fantasies without the tangle of emotional strings?
Or, do you try to work with the original, though they've already proven themselves to be unfuckable?
Let me implore you to chose the latter option. Though no doubt frustrating, think of this situation as a gift. This sexual incompatibility is a good thing.
Why?
Fuck buddies exist solely to bone you, and you to bone them. You are each the other person's human dildo. So, it's in your mutual best interest to be the best human dildos you can be.
This means you can — and should — communicate more directly with them about your needs than you may be able to if you were actually together. You can be brutally honest, because offending them with your improvement advice — and their perception of you — aren't really important factors in a relationship where sex is the primary reason you're anywhere near each other.
To get to that place where you can be so honest with your fuck buddy, first take sex therapist and author Ian Kerner's advice: there is no such thing as "bad sex."
"I don't think anyone is inherently bad at sex. You can be uncaring, you can be insensitive to your partner, you can be inhibited about sex but all of those problems are discussible and fixable," he writes.
In other words, adopt the mindset that the shitty sex you're having exists within a temporary state. It doesn't mean either of you are doing something bad, only that more communication is needed between you. That's the glory of a fuck buddy: your relationship is already categorically transient, so it's safe to assume that the quality of the sex you're having should be too.
Second, combat the issue of bad sex through compromise.
According to Psychology Today, a recent study showed that "Changing sexual habits (or making sexual transformations) for a partner can benefit the relationship. Specifically, researchers asked romantic couples how often they made sexual changes for their partners (e.g., had sex more frequently than personally desired or engaged in activities that were not their preference), and how they felt about making these sexual changes. People who made more frequent sexual changes for their partners had partners who reported being more satisfied in their relationships. In addition, people who felt more positive about changing their sexual habits for a partner felt happier in their relationships and had partners who reported greater happiness as well."
Earth to you: compromise means you'll have improvements to make as well. Even though it's your perception that your fuck buddy is bad in bed, they may have a similar idea about you, which is why it's so important you find ways to meet in the middle. And it doesn't hurt that science says that actually makes you happier.
Lastly, know that sex doesn't always have to mean penetration. If your fuck buddy is better with his or her hands or mouth, there's nothing wrong with that being the primary activity you two do together. If the problem is that your genitals don't quite mesh together, well, that's a problem sex toys were invented to solve. Or, if you have a fuck buddy primarily because you need human touch and companionship, maybe you just cuddle and kiss instead. Shit, even sexting can fill some of your needs — even if you're not actually flailing all over each other in person, just the fulfilling knowledge that you're desirable and are speaking to someone attractive can be relayed over text or from afar. No one said you have to have literal intercourse to get what you need out of a fuck buddy relationship — with the right communication and honesty, you can tailor the sex acts you do to fit both of your needs rather than trying to force something on each other that doesn't naturally work.
And now the kicker: all three of these things — honesty, compromise and willingness to expand your definition of sex — makes both of you better in bed … not just to each other, but for the long line of future sex partners each of you will have in the future. You learn more about people's diverse desires and needs when you're open and fluid about your own, and you can take that knowledge and experience into your next relationship.
In an ideal world you'd be able to take that same brutal honesty, compromise and sexual flexibility into emotional relationships where you care about the person you're with right off the bat. But, as we've all experienced, that's easier said than done. We fear hurting our partner's feelings or turning them off with our desires more than we feel entitled to good sex.
That's why practice with a fuck buddy can help — learning to articulate your needs to a partner and talk openly about your desires in an emotionless relationship gives you a script for what to say in a real relationship, and that's something you don't learn until you actually do it … with a person who'll kindly leave before you mop up the bodily effluvium.
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