Zika be damned! We want a ticket. 

If all the rumors about the Olympic athlete villages are to be believed, it's that the world's top athletes like to fuck. A lot. Basically, if they're not on a podium or competing, they're plowing each other silly. 

Which is awesome, because the most physically and mentally fit humans in existence should be porking, and in a big way. With unparalleled lung capacity and physical strength, I bet their monster bone-sessions are some of the most epic, erotic and wild events in human history. The sweaty, wheezing, brief episodes we subject our loved ones to probably bear no resemblance whatsoever to what goes on in the Olympic village.

And to make sure everyone stays safe, about 450,000 condoms will be distributed during the Rio Olympics, three times more than for the London Games four years ago, the International Olympic Committee says. About 175,000 packets of lubricant are also being supplied.

Just so you don't have to do the math, that means that, on average, each person will be having sex 42 times. And while that might sound like a lot, but the Games last 16 days, meaning your supply of condoms will only account for 3 sessions per day. And really, if you're staring at this:

or this:

How many times are you gonna try to have sex with them? The answer is, "As many goddamn times as I can before my junk falls off from overuse."

Zika really has nothing to do with it. Sure, it's sexually transmitted and it makes babies come out wrong, but the massive rubber dump really has to do with the fact that athletes have never been more attractive, which will obviously lead to more gettin' busy. 

All we're saying … a sex-tape scandal from the '16 Games wouldn't be a tragedy. It would be a best-seller. I mean, come on!