Have you ever wondered how many of your peers and lovers share the same fetish for particularly brassy-looking doorknobs as you do? Well, thanks to recent study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine, researchers can tell you just that. The study came up with a neatly categorized list of the human race's rarest and most popular sexual fantasies from which you can compare your freaky-ass self to. However, we have bone to pick with these boner doctors about it …

Have you ever wondered how many of your peers and lovers share the same fetish for particularly brassy-looking doorknobs as you do? Well, thanks to recent study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine, researchers can tell you just that. The study came up with a neatly categorized list of the human race's rarest and most popular sexual fantasies from which you can compare your freaky-ass self to. However, we have bone to pick with these boner doctors about it …

But before we get to that, a little about the study.

To find the relative popularity or rarity of sexual fantasies, researchers from the University of Montreal spoke with over 1,500 people about what turned them on.

These people included 799 men and 718 women—85.1 percent of whom identified as heterosexual, 3.6 percent homosexual, and 11.3 percent somewhere in between. They were given a list of statements about various fantasy scenarios, and asked to rate their agreement with each of the statements on a scale from one to seven. Agreeing with a statement on a level above a three was considered enough to constitute a fantasy.

Here are the fantasies they were asked about. For a bigger version, click here.

Researchers found a few juicy trends from the survey results.

First, according to this study, women's most common fantasies included sex in particular locations or sex with strangers … making your chances of getting laid pretty good if you're a random surfer with the body of an action figure who lives on a remote, warm, relaxing beach in Hawaii.

Men, on the other hand, spilled 20 million potential half-humans on thoughts of oral and anal sex, as well as of sex with people they already knew. Like your hot sister.

Men also got way saucier than women did when describing fantasies that weren't on the list, going into more detail and expressing more interest in actualizing their fantasies than women did, providing one example in the near-empty folder of "Things Men Like to Talk About That Aren't Sports or Fatherly Disapproval."

But while men and women differed in those respects, they also shared some common fantasies. Scenarios involving oral sex, sex in "unusual" or "romantic" places, sex outside of marriage, and mutual masturbation won the popularity contest for most common sexual fantasies regardless of gender or sexuality.

The rarest fantasies were the most lurid and illegal; rape, bestiality, and sex with children.

And as for how common these fantasies were, the study researchers came up with an interesting mechanism to measure that. They rated each fantasy on a scale from "rare" to "typical," with "unusual" and "common" being the measures in between.

Rare fantasies, like the three least popular ones listed above, occurred in 2.3 percent of the population. Unusual fantasies like golden showers and cross-dressing occurred in 15.9 percent of the population. Common fantasies like sexual domination or celebrity sex showed up in between 50 and 84.1 percent of people. Typical fantasies, which included beginner shit like threesomes and hand stuff, turned up in 84.2 percent of people's dirty minds.

 … Which just confirms what we've always been saying: Threesomes are the Pumpkin Spice Lattes of sexual fantasies.

So there's what the study found. Now here's why we're calling bullshit.

While this study does a fine and dandy job of quantifying sexual fantasies based on prevalence with a certain (admittedly Canadian) population, we have one glaring grievance with it: the fantasies they asked about.

If these questions were food, they'd taste like white bread covered in vanilla ice cream. They're remarkably basic, non-specific and do little to further scientific and cultural knowledge about fantasy.

For example … the questions about oral sex and masturbation. There's a lot of them. Look at the list above. In fact, the researchers spent the first half of the survey asking about such basic acts as those two, as well as about anal, extra-martial sex and being or getting tied up.

We're not saying those aren't perfectly acceptable fantasies … but there's almost no attention paid to darker, weirder, less common fantasies. Which, we'd think, is what would have made the study more interesting. It would have been helpful to know that we're not the only ones who can't come without the sound of whales singing serenading our eardrums.

Furthermore, the questions are strangely exclusive. For example, there's a question about whether people get turned on by having sex with a woman with "small breasts." But there's no question about large breasts. Or normal breasts. Just … small ones.

Then, there's a question about swinging. But, according to the question, it's only with  a "couple that I know." What about swinging with strangers? Or group sex in general?

The closest approximation the study got to groupl sex was this: "I have fantasized about having sex with three or more people, all women."

What? What about all men? What about a mix of both and also a tranny? WTF are these questions?

Sure, there are some questions that we felt like actually probed into people's fantasies, like the ones about urination, sleep sex or sex with an inanimate object. But by and large, the questions were either insultingly vanilla or inexplicably non-inclusive.

Plus, the way the study is laid out also makes for weird results … the questions start out innocent, then gets progressively more deviant and illegal (strangely enough, getting ejaculated on lands somewhere in the middle between the extremes of bestiality and light oral sex).

But the weird part about that is there wasn't a whole lot stuff in between "consensual oral sex" and "pedophilia." In terms of strangeness of fantasy, it pretty much goes straight from asking you if you ever think about having sex outside of a bed to asking you if you dream about horse sex. If this questionnaire were a sandwich, it would have 17 consecutive layers of white bread followed by a lettuce and then a thin, apologetic slice of meat that looks up at you like, "Oh, sorry, is this your seat?"

What we're getting at is that this study is sort of a pile of poo. Apart from the fact that it tells us what we already know (lots of people want to get head, but not a lot of people want to fuck possums,) it also ignores many major facets of sexual fantasy. Where are the questions about foot fetishes, which are the most common fetish? What about role playing? What about revenge sex?

What aspects of fantasy it does acknowledge, it either demonizes or make virtuous based on its placement in the list of questions.

Sexual fantasies deserve more credit than this. They're a broad, intricate, and thoroughly subjective type of thought, and classifying them based on sheer occurrence both trivializes them and does little to advance our knowledge about them.

And although research on fantasy is a great thing, it should cater to the specifics of each fantasy or the interactions between them. And in the case of pathological fantasy, such as with pedophilia, bestiality or rape, in which someone cannot derive pleasure in the absence of those things, research should focus on how to help sufferers and victims, preventing those situations before they happen, and how to channel that sort of sexual energy into something non-destructive. Not just restating to humankind that those are rare, deviant behaviors.

All in all, we might just be mad because we're still looking for someone to swap wife swapping stories with and this study didn't help us with that … but either way, we still think that sexual fantasies are much more complex and non-classifiable as this study makes it seem. So, while we wait for someone to come out with a better viral study about fantasy, we'll just be over here, talking dirty to ourselves and ripping clothes pins off our nipples while we count backwards from 69.