Coming is as easy as breathing if you can get your hands on one of these rare fungi.

Seems like every other day there’s a new feminine product hitting the shelves, promising BIGGER, BETTER, EXPLOSIVE, WORLD-ENDING orgasms. From the new line of Motörhead vibrators to the dildo-selfie stick, the marketability and engineering of the female orgasm are seemingly boundless and infinitely marketable.

However, none of that shit is worth dick, because now there’s a completely natural option that increases a lady’s likeliness of climax, and it’s neither made of latex nor produced by a shitty metal band. It’s actually a rare, orgasm-inducing mushroom native to the South Pacific, and it’s giving Big Tech and the idea of the ‘elusive female orgasm’ a run for their money.

Officially discovered back in 2001, John Halliday and Noah Soule were the first to record the effects of a fungus that could spontaneously induce a female orgasm. A study on the thing published in the International Journal of Medicinal Mushrooms,  found that the previously unnamed Dictyophora species was deemed a “very intense aphrodisiac” when smelled by women.

Halliday explained to IFLScience that he and co-lead researcher Soule had heard rumors of a fungi growing in recent lava flows on the island of Hawaii. The bright orange mushrooms were purported to cause women to suddenly reach climax through an olfactory response.

The pair headed to the South Pacific Island to test the fungi and gathered a group of volunteers to simply smell the fungi in question and record their arousal levels afterward. The results illustrated a substantial increase in arousal for the female group, with nearly half of the test subjects experiencing spontaneous orgasms after taking a whiff. That’s on par with penile-vaginal and masturbation rates of orgasm according to a study by FIVETHIRTYEIGHT.

Interestingly, all of the men in the study, on the other hand, recorded a quite dissimilar reaction. Disgusted by the smelled, none the males recorded arousal in any shape or form.

According to IFLScience, the pair also described the morphology and chemistry of the plant, and concluded that the "hormone-like compounds present […] may have some similarity to human neurotransmitters released during sexual encounters."

Weirdly, the mushrooms haven’t hit the market and no one is really trying to capitalize and commercialize the compounds in them as pharmaceutical female orgasm aids. That’s stupid and inexcusable … however we can’t deny a ticket to the South Pacific is still far less expensive than the polished oak-handled, diamond-encrusted Eternity Dildo.

[originally published June 08, 2017]