Skinny jeans join the list of human predators as they attempt their first murder on an Australian woman by cutting of her lower limb nerve function. Ew!
Despite our position at the top of the food chain, there are thousands of natural predators that prey on human flesh. Viruses, other humans, aliens … the list goes on.
But now, an impossibly more dangerous threat to human life has emerged: skinny jeans. And as the recent case of a 35 year-old Australian woman proves, they've nearly claimed their first human fatality.
Forgoing foresight, the woman had donned the circulation crushing pantaloons and gone to help her friend move.
The move involved "many hours of squatting while emptying cupboards," according to a report published Monday in the journal Neurology, Neurosurgery & Psychiatry.
As the day went on, the skinny jeans were making her increasingly uncomfortable. But it wasn't until that evening that the situation went from bad to really f-ing bad. As she walked home, she found herself unable to lift her increasingly numb feet.
When she got home, she collapsed and lay on the ground for several hours just slowly dying until someone came and rescued her.
When she finally got the hospital, her legs were so swollen her skinny jeans had to be surgically removed. Tests revealed that the jeans had put some much pressure on her leg nerves that they'd stopped sending signals entirely. Because of this, her legs had no idea how to regulate their blood supply, swole up to the size of tree trunks, and became temporarily paralyzed.
"The wearing of 'skinny' jeans had likely potentiated the tibial neuropathies by causing a compartment syndrome as the lower leg swelled," the report concluded.
Not good news, considering the swelling of compartment syndrome can lead to permanent muscle and nerve damage, or amputation.
In this case, the fashion victim fared better. After four days in the hospital, she regained her ability to walk and went home. No word on whether she's switched to mom jeans or our personal favorite, no pants, a cape and a top hat. You don't have to suffer for fashion when you're dressed like that.
So kids, what's the moral of the story? Skinny jeans are Satan's way of squeezing your legs into imminment paralysis. Act like a true American and go with Rite Aid sweatpants instead.