Sir, you are NOT the father.

Without a doubt, the hallmark of any high-functioning society is technology that reduces complicated tasks to "the bush of a button."

And now, a new invention has simplified the most complicated task of all: having unprotected sex with your ovulating girlfriend, Ashley-Brittany-Katie.

It's a device called the Bimek SLV, and it's a switch that you can use to stop or start the flow of sperm from your nuts into a fertile female's womb, giving you complete control over contraception so you don't wind up like this:

Feeling spermy? Turn it on and witness the wonders of human procreation.

Not feeling spermy? Turn it off and witness the wonder of condom-less sex.

Here's a model of what'll look like in relation to your flaccid, fleshy penis:

Want one?

The procedure is simple; during a 30-minute outpatient proceedure, the device is implanted into the vas deferns. Once it's there, you can feel the switch through your ball skin and turn it on or off to control the flow of sperm. When it's in the "off" position, it successfully eliminates the possibility of pregnancy from vaginal intercourse.

According to the manufacturer’s website, the Bimek SLV is currently the best option for male contraception since it offers a solution to the many drawbacks of other contraceptives like vasectomies, condoms or birth control pills. Also, unlike condoms or pills, it cannot be forgotten, since it's constantly present within the user.

So far, the only possible complications seem to be potential scarring of the vas deferns from improper implantation or if you love cock and ball torture … but other than that, it seems to be a ridiculously safe and efficacious way to not have a baby.

Currently, the device is undergoing some clinical trial mumbo jumbo, so you can't run down to the nearest urologist for installation just yet. However, until the glorious day comes when you can finally get this thing impanted in your ballsack, just remember that sperm sleep at night so it's safe to have sex then: