Apparently, North Carolina government is a Borgia-esque orgy these days as officials move to legalize boning between people with agendas and people who can make things happen. So horny for government …

In today's cutthroat political arena, there's only one state where lobbyists can cut through bureaucratic red tape of today's democracy with sex, and that state is North Carolina, the unofficial kinkiest place on Uncle Sam's block.

Last week, North Carolina's State Ethics Committee ruled that sex between lobbyists and government officials who are covered under North Carolina’s ethics laws is A-O.K. because it's not a "gift."

“Consensual sexual relationships do not have monetary value and therefore are not reportable as gifts or ‘reportable expenditures made for lobbying’ for purposes,” the formal advisory opinion says.

The opinion says sexual behavior would not constitute goodwill lobbying either, because the love between politicians and lobbyists is real and passionate and you just wouldn't understand.

Man, we wondered who lobbied them into making that decision? Trisha, was it you?

However, there's a caveat: providing a prostitute to a legislator or other official would constitute a "gift" or "item of value" and would have therefore have to be reported on disclosure forms which is no good because that would be illegal. No hoes allowed!

This all happened because in 2012, two fine ass lobbyists had intimate relationships with two top aides to House Speaker Thom Tillis, according to documents The News & Observer obtained at the time. Tillis’ chief of staff resigned and his policy adviser was asked to resign. But! An investigation into the sexy times questioned whether the lobbyists "provided things of value to the pubic officials," and determined they in fact, did not.

Ouch. Step up your game, lobbyists. Missionary is not a thing anymore.

All this boils down to that if you want North Carolina to legalize weed, you simply have to have emotionally fulfilling sex with a senator with lots of eye contact and many "Is this okay's?" and no lube because that would be a gift and also afterwards you have to tell them three things you liked about it and three things they could have done better at.

At the end of the day, this is America, land of the free. Why shouldn't lobbyists be able to fuck politicians for policy changes? It's just more proof that pussy, not politicians, rule the world and that's something we're beyond cool with. Now if we could only get some similar rulings here in Colorado so we could lift that Draconian smoking ban in Boulder …