This whole debacle is an absolute shit show. This can't be reality. It musn't be …

Ted Cruz is a dick. How he's managed to still be in the running for the president's chair is pretty simple — he's running against Donald Trump, and is the 'only' one who might be able to stop him in his tracks. That's not a very sound campaign, but it's working.

But the guy is still a dick, opting to shove his values and beliefs on an entire nation that couldn't give a shit what his god says or what he views as filthy or immoral. The latest in his twisted escapades came to light recently, an event from a few years ago when he fought to protect a ban in the state of Texas against the sale of sex toys in 2007.

The argument at the time from him and his cronies?

"There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship."

Something like that would be absolutely hilarious if it were coming from a downtrodden psychopath yelling at you from the corner of a busy street, but these are people who run the fucking country.

Naturally, it's been revealed that Cruz was just playing with smoke and mirrors back then, just as he likely is now, as most politicians often do. His old college roommate is calling bullshit on the entire exchange.

Craig Mazin, a prolific script writer in Hollywood, had the unfortunate experience of sharing a room with Cruz back in the day. He took to Twitter some months ago to fry every word that comes out of Cruz's stupid mouth. Against his stance on whether or not people are allowed to touch themselves?

The guy is hilarious, to boot — in fact he's quickly become our favorite truth-teller of the whole campaign.

This whole debacle is an absolute shit show. This can't be reality. It musn't be …