Finally, teddy bears are sex toys and sex toys are teddy bears and the only creepy thing about it is everything.
Previously, the limit of sexual creepiness we thought existed in the world was an infinite beam poised towards the heavens, but now that we've discovered this masturbatory teddy bear called Teddy Love, that limit has hit a very plush and cuddly ceiling.
That's because, fans of Rooster and masturbation, Teddy Love is the preeminent creepy sex toy of our modern age. Half child's bedroom accessory and half vibrator, it's meant to get you off and unearth the source of your Daddy issues in one adorable step. It's also a great last-minute Valentine's Day gift for someone you feel ambivalent about ever seeing again.
So, what exactly is Teddy Love, and how is it a teddy bear and a sex toy at once?
Looking like a retarded chihuahua that needs a good home, Teddy love is a "unique, discreet, sexual toy that provides pleasure through dual, vibrating mechanisms."
Oh really? Do tell.
"Direct clitoral and vaginal stimulation are achieved through the variable 10-speed device located in the Teddy Love's vibrating nose and tongue," explains their site. My, my!
The product features section of the site boasts even that Teddy Love has "Soft fur, twinkling eyes, and is OOH … so cuddly."
"Also encourages orgasms," it adds in a suddenly self-aware moment.
The mangler of childhood innocence is the brainchild of Wendy Adams, who told Xcritic.com that the sexual teddy was inspired on a cold New England night when she was hugging a teddy bear under some blankets while watching TV.
"The Teddy Bear was very cuddly, I was holding the bear and stroking him and his nose hit my nipple. I was really turned on, and staring thinking, 'Wow, his nose is hard,' and then put his nose down around my clitoris and was like this feels great. I started thinking if his nose vibrated this would be really erotic. Then, my husband came downstairs and saw me playing with the Teddy and we started playing around with the Teddy together, laughing and giggling. The rest is pillow talk and history."
… Fucking what?
Anyway, Teddy Love has other, more imperious aspirations than simply ducking in and out of your birth canal. So far, the thing has skyrocketed into sex toy infamy, being nominated for 4 XBiz awards and 2 AVN awards in the last year alone. That's a lot more than most porn stars can say. Touche, Teddy Love. Touche.
But the orgasm-enhancing plush toy isn't just for women. There’s also a version for men, but it's not currently available on the site. The all purpose teddy-dildo is though, and if you’re stuck on a last-minute Valentine's Day gift ideas, it’ll be available for $74.95 until February 14th.
Surprisingly, Teddy Love isn't the only sex-themed teddy bear there is … but it is the most vanilla. Other sexual teddy bear companies like Vermont Teddy have way kinkier ones like the Fifty Shades of Grey bear, which is marketed towards the bear humper who's tired of missionary.
This BDSM bear is dressed like Christian Grey and is just a sentient heartbeat away from dominating you with the pair of handcuffs and embroidered black mask he comes with.
Um, unless this teddy is planning on handcuffing our fingers together and blindfolding half of one of our eyes, we're going to need to put in a formal request that they ship us a life-sized version, for our life-sized horniness.
And if you're still at all hesitant about purchasing Teddy Love or his bondage bear colleague for Valentine's Day or otherwise, just know that as an adult with a teddy bear you keep in your bed, you are also elligible for a lifetime of macaroni dinners and erotic baby formula enemas. You're welcome!