This isn't "The Cannon" but it's awful close … 

We try not to judge. We're into some really weird stuff too. But every once and a while, a sexual implement comes along and just scares the ever-loving shit out of us. 

This week, it's a little monster called "The Cannon."

We don't have a problem with people cramming things into other things. That's the American dream — to be able to cram everything, at top speed, into your body for pleasure. But when said item is as large as a garbage can, we start to get worried. Mostly for your health, because very few parts of the human body are designed to accommodate things that size. 

And like those guys who gauge their ears really, really big and then let them shrink back, only to end up with two puckered ear vaginas hanging on each side of their head for the rest of their lives … well, just apply that to your asshole and you might understand what we're talking about. Nobody needs that kind of anal drama in their lives. 

Their product description has a disturbing amount of enthusiasm in the writing, and really comes across like someone who has never but a fire hydrant up their ass. 

This toy is a blast! Literally! The Cannon is a monster toy from the maniacs at TSX! And it's truly a piece of heavy artillery!

How deep is your love? This baby 13" tall (10.5" insertable). And it's wide to match… 4" thick (14" around) at the head. And it just gets bigger from there! The "barrel" of the cannon tapers gradually to 5.25" (17.25" around).

So if it's "balls to the wall" action you want, then get the cannon, bend over, and ready… aim… fire!

Three pop cans? You know shit is real when Amazon sells it ($143) but it comes with a disclaimer, warning that "you always read labels, warnings, and directions before using or consuming a product." Amazon holds no responsibility for you shitting pancakes for the rest of your life.