Just what every guy wants: a way to record and document his lackluster performance in the sack. A new company has stumbled upon the idea that men everywhere are in desperate need for a Fitbit on the dick and has therefore heeded the calls and designed the ultimate condom. 

Dubbed the “smart condom,” a group of insecure engineers with too much time on their hands developed a condom-esque device for you to effortlessly slide onto your penis prior to sex. The device then measures and tracks a bunch of data about you and your penis, then promptly uploads that personal information to the Internet.

So what types of personal sex metrics does it track, well…

  • The number of calories you burn during sex
  • The speed of your thrusts
  • Total number of thrusts
  • Frequency of sessions, a.k.a. how often you get it on
  • Total duration of sessions, a.k.a. how long you last
  • Average velocity of thrusts
  • The temperature of your dick
  • Your girth

What you do with this information is anyone’s guess. Maybe turn it into graph form and hang it on the wall in your office if the results are impressive? Nevertheless, if you’re interested in tracking your depressing and somewhat despondent performance in the bedroom, you can preorder the this nifty cock ring today. Why wait? The world is your oyster.