It's like a breakup, but a thousand million times worse!

There's no pain on this earth like the pain of getting friendzoned.

Here you are, with this seemingly perfect person who understands and appreciates you. You hang out all the time, share the same tastes and sense of humor, and you can truly relax and be yourself around each other. Your relationship works out so smoothly that things seem fated, like you're soul mates who just haven't realized it yet.

Only problem is, they don't want to spend the afternoon gurgling your genitalia nearly as much as you do theirs. Despite the apparent perfect match you two make, they just don't feel all romantical towards you, and as a consequence, they've relegated you to the dreaded friendzone. It's like a breakup, but a thousand million times worse! OH, YOUR ACHING HEART.

But, while this situation seems to be fucked in every which way, there's a silver lining to it. There are a handful of really valuable lessons you can learn from the friendzone expedience that we promise will only make you a better person in the end.

You need to deal with the fact that people are fucked up …

People aren't just the people we want them to be in the present; they're the sum of their entire past and the relationships within it, and that past-inclusive version has a fuck ton of baggage.

Maybe they friendzoned you because some aspect of your personality or relationship reminded them of some past heartbreak and they don't want to go down that road again. Maybe they're dealing with their own personal demons, and it really is an "it's not you, it's me" situation. Maybe for the majority of their childhood, their mom nicknamed them 'Peepis,' which is one letter away from 'Peenis,' and it's hardwired them for interpersonal fuckery.

Whatever it is, consider the fact that your friendzoning isn't the result of a personal flaw with you, but an unresolved issue with themselves.

… and so are you!

Remember two seconds ago when we said it might not be you at all?

Well, half the time, it probably is.

Accept the fact that there might be something wrong with you. Is being alerted to that problem so bad? Is being given the opportunity to self-improve through the lens of a heartbreak really the worst thing in the world? Nope, and a thousand times nope. Friendzoning essentially wipes the bullshit filter off your own eyes and makes you take a long, hard look at yourself. What do you need to fix about yourself so that you like yourself more? This isn't an issue of other people seeing you as flawed, but you seeing yourself that way.

Alternatively, whatever "problem" your friend has with you might just be a problem to them. Maybe they see some aspect of you as undesirable when that same trait is perfectly tantalizing to others. In that case, fuck them! Fuck them so hard. It's most heartwrenching when the person you're into finds a flaw with you and recoils because of it, but when that happens, just fucking Google the global population. There are literally billions of other people who might love that little thing about you, and your stupid-ass friend is 0.0000000001 percent of them.

Friendzoning is more natural than dirt.

Sometimes, the feelings just aren't there. How many times has someone disclosed their undying love for you, only to have you respond with "……………(ghosted)………….." More often than not, the person who you reject isn't your friend, and so the rejection comes easily for you.

This is just the natural way relationships work. Even once people have become entangled in romantic relationships, this happens. There's no way of escaping the fact that one person will almost always have more feelings than the other.

The only difference between that and friendzoning are that with friendzoning, there's an extra layer of pain associated with the loss of a friendship.

But, that brings us to our next point:

Do you need more friends? No? Didn't think so.

The phrase "let's just be friends" implies that you actually have to follow up on that offer, but guess what? You don't have to do anything of the sort. 

You have something like 1,294 friends on Facebook and last time we checked, that was way too many random idiots to handle anyway. There just isn't room for 1,295.

If your soul is crushed by your friendzoning, it's probably better that you and said friend spend some time apart anyway. That way, you can reflect on the fact that the only reason you were so into them, despite all logic, is because your body subconsciously thought the combination of your DNA would make a healthy offspring. That's it … that's all love really is anyway; biochemical signaling intended to bolster natural selection.

There's no reason you should have to pretend you're okay with getting friendzoned and try to maintain a friendship with the person who did this to you. Chances are, you've got enough friends. If your friend is currently serving no other purpose than making you feel shitty about yourself, un-friend them.

You can go back to being buddies after you've realized you're better off without them.

The better you handle it, the better chance you have of making something happen way down the line.

Okay … say you really do want to maintain the friendship.

The absolute best thing you can do is high-road the living hell out of the situation and respond maturely by respecting their feelings. Hear them out on their reasoning, pull some "I wish things were different but I respect you and value your friendship" shit, and move on.

When your friend sees that there's no pressure to take things to the next level, the relationship will relax and you can both focus on seeing other people and acting like yourselves around each other. That's what you want right now anyway; a return to normalcy in the wake of a rejection.

Hollywood loves to perpetuate the idea that if someone rejects you, you should just push harder and harder and harder and suddenly, some magic event will happen and you’ll end up together.

That shit does not happen. You know this. We all know this. We can all hold hands in a giant, knowing circle of kumbaya-ness now.

So, either be cool with being just friends, or don't!  And be honest with your friend and with yourself when you make that decision, because you're a terrible actor and everyone can tell when you're faking it.

It can actually be one of the greatest lessons to learn to truly let a crush go and accept just being friends.  It’s compassionate and respectful to them. And it also gives the other person the psychological “space” to possibly grow feelings for you at some point down the line.

We HATE saying this, but in the wake of a friendzone, learn to love yourself.

"Love yourself" is the ubiquitous jewel-embroidered Pinterest poster hanging in every "girl power" nail salon in the country, and we're stabbing ourselves with paper clips for saying it to you, but it's … puke … so true.

After the emotional destruction of getting friendzoned, you need an internal and external makeover to regain confidence in yourself. Surround yourself with things that make you happy and fulfilled. Too often, people seek fulfillment and self-worth from relationships, but that's a farce and a waste of time. Other people like your friendzoning friend aren't responsible for your happiness; you are.

So, whatever that means for you, whether it's getting in shape or learning how to shower or developing a meaningful skill or getting promoted at work, you now have the time to do it. Why? See below.


You know all those hours you spent longingly staring off into space while your genitals engorged with blood thinking about the electrifying sex you and your friend would have in your dreams? Well guess what? That time slot just opened up like a Rite Aid-swallowing sinkhole in rural Florida.

Your days of pining are over and your schedule is cleared. What are you going to go do with all that extra time?

Self-improve. Focus on becoming better at X,Y, or Z. Get wasted with your friends. Enjoy your life. Take a really good shit.

Harsh realities like your romantic misfortune are hilarious.

Think about all the FAIL memes that now apply to your life. You have hours of self-depricating material to entertain you and your friends with. Plus, if you can't laugh at the situation, what can you do?

Sit in step-dad Terry's basement an wish an airplane engine would fall on your house? Ha. Just picturing you doing that is hilarious.

The more you giggle at your own misfortune, the more you can look at it objectively and see that it's not that big of a deal.

Join the club.

Getting friendzoned feels about the same as getting your heart ripped out of your chest by like, six or seven starving chimpanzees, who then shred it and use it to make primate-level barbacoa for Fiesta night. It's easy to wallow in the pain and despair of getting cast aside like this but, hey, join the party.

Literally everyone you know has been friendzoned. If they haven't, then they don't possess the necessary human interpersonal skills to initiate and maintain friendship, and that's called autism. It's a spectrum.

So, take a hard look in the mirror, and ask yourself if it's really a big a deal as you think it is. Hint: it's not; it's just a part of life, and that's what you get for your parents fucking 25 years ago at the company Christmas party.

cover photo: FunnyOrDie