Few tests in life prove harder than the dreaded pregnancy test. Sure, you just have to pee on it, but those bitches change lives. Keep this edition in your bathroom so when the time comes you can bite your nails whilst reading about science and shit. Better still, scare yourself by reading this, and be more careful next time. Let’s be real, even your mom doesn’t think you should procreate.

Few tests in life prove harder than the dreaded pregnancy test. Sure, you just have to pee on it, but those bitches change lives. Keep this edition in your bathroom so when the time comes you can bite your nails whilst reading about science and shit. Better still, scare yourself by reading this, and be more careful next time. Let’s be real, even your mom doesn’t think you should procreate.

Pregnancy Tests!

It all starts with a little hormone called hCG, or human chorionic gonadotropin. It’s produced in the female body approximately six days after you and that lucky fella successfully fuse gametes. At the same time, a placenta starts to form in the uterus and you have enough hCG in your body to freak out and grab a pregnancy test.

Pregnancy tests are magic wands that detect hCG in urine with a biochemical assay. An assay quantifies the presence of a certain chemical in any given substance. Because pregnancy tests are so fun, they gave it a fun name to match: “Sandwich-ELSA,” or Sandwich Enzyme-Linked Immunoabsorbant Assay.

Inside that stick there are three antibody receptors stacked like a sandwich to soak up and catch the hCG hormone in your pee. The bottom receptor is a control and will release a dye to prove to you it’s working, because nothing’s freakier than waiting five minutes to find out if you’re growing a fetus while nothing happens. The top slice of our piss- absorbing sandwich is the reaction zone where, if hCG is present, the antibody will connect with hCG and break off. The middle of the sandwich, the test zone, absorbs the broken-off antibody and hCG. This reaction releases a dye that tells you it's time to call that ex you've been avoilding. #YouAreTheFather

Spermicide!

Spermicides help make sure your one-night-stands don’t become life-long commitments. Thankfully, most condom manufactures have your back and add spermicidal lube for extra protection, but most people don’t understand what makes it effective. So, let’s get to know your barrier method and see how spermicide actually works.

Spermicides kill or destroy sperm before it can wriggle its way into an egg, thus preventing fertilization. Nonoxynol-9, the main ingredient in spermicide, decimates your army of swimmers by deteriorating the acrosomal membrane of the sperm. The acrosomal membrane normally breaks down the membrane of the ovum, the zona pellucida, and allows the genetic material to merge to create a crying poop machine. However, because it’s broken down by the spermicide, sperm just bounce around in there, bumping into things but unable to actually fertilize an egg.

The bad news spermicides are only 10 to 20 percent effective on their own, and 0 percent effective in preventing STDs. So if you really want to make sure you’re not going to be a dad, continue to wrap it up like a burrito artist at Chipotle.