Sorry, but we're not animals. 

Yeah, we saw the news about the "male masturbation booth" that was installed in New York, and we smelled bullshit too. It seems like a promotional stunt for whatever company set it up, right?

You know he just jerked it, big time. 

From the company's press release:

According to Time Out, a remarkable 39% of New Yorkers "self-soothe" in the workplace to alleviate stress. Hot Octopuss has created the GuyFi booth to take this habit out of the office and into a more suitable environment designed to give the busy Manhattan man the privacy, and the high-speed Internet connection, he deserves.

“There’s no denying that working a nine to five job can be stressful on both your mind and body, especially in a non-stop city like Manhattan. It’s really important for guys to look after themselves so that they can stay healthy and focus properly on the task in hand,” the founder of the company, Adam Lewis, said in a statement.

Hmm … regardless of whether it's a joke or not, the booth does exist and you can bet your ass dudes are utilizing the facilities on the regular. 

So we asked the office: would you use this little jerk-booth if they installed one here in Colorado? 

The answer was a resounding "no," with about 100% of those polled looking very upset. Here are the top five quoted reasons we won't use the booth they eventually install in downtown Denver. 

1) "Men have absolutely no control where their jizz goes once it's out of the cannon."

It's an interesting part of the male physiology. Depending on the man's diet, general health, last sexual episode and cycle of the moon, the human load can vary from a single roper to an ungodly deluge of baby batter, launched at anywhere from 0 to 150 miles per hour. And there's no way of knowing what you'll get before it's too late. Couple this with the fact that men are generally unsanitary creatures, and that booth will be absolutely uninhabitable in about 15 minutes. 

2) "I've never once in my life said, 'Oh god! Stop the car! Or don't, it doesn't matter! It's coming out either way!'"

Maybe this booth is oriented toward the younger generation, but when a man truly reaches adulthood, the searing, grenade-like urge to bust a nut at nearly every moment passes — and said man can control his sexual instincts just enough to prevent the need for public masturbation. 

3) "That booth doesn't allot for the shame-filled refractory period."

It's a lot like a werewolf turning back into a human: you're naked, hungry, cold, confused and the images on your computer that aroused you just moments ago are absolutely disgusting. You're disgusting. There you are, covered in semen, wasting your life while normal people are out curing cancer and helping the needy. God, you're the worst. Take a shower and think about how you're fucking up your life, you animal. 

4) "My asshole friends will follow me and knock it over like a port-a-potty."

With the inevitable public location of the booth, the odds of people fucking with you will run at about 100%. Whether it's offended passersby or your asshole friends looking for a chance to ruin your self-love, there are too many variables to conquer before you could happily achieve release. And the thought of being dumped into the street, cock in hand and pants around our ankles, is our only real fear. 

5) "I'm a huge exhibitionist, and having people NOT see me jerk it in public would be a turn-off."

Yeah, the new guy said that. He's pretty fucking weird.