Are you like us? Do you have such crippling ADHD that you feel bored all the time unless you can get a massive dopamine surge from activities that make you feel like you may possibly die? Then, once you work up the bravery to do the death-defying activity that gives you so much anxiety, you feel good about it for all of two hours before you feel empty again and search for the next adrenaline dump? Well, here’s what you should do this summer.

Rafting: Arkansas River

It’s May, which means the same thing it does every year: we’re going to dig up our old copy of Deliverance to watch before we get on the river for whitewater season. Now, this may be quite a shock to some of you, but Colorado has an absolute shit load of rivers. If you’re looking to get beatered and totally pitted, we’d recommend hopping on the Arkansas River down near Buena Vista. We won’t tell you which guide company to go with, as there are many in a town that’s main source of income is primarily whitewater rafting and Crankyanker IPAs. Whoever you choose, make sure to tip your guide. We don’t know if you’ve ever met a raft guide before, but they’re not exactly teeming with affluence.

 

Climbing: Independence Pass

Just like rafting and the state’s rivers, Colorado has about a bajillion rocks to choose from if you want to climb on something. “But Rooster,” you say. “Isn’t rock climbing primarily a sport for polyamorous lesbians who wear their keys clipped to their belt loops with carabiners?” To this we say: absolutely. At the same time, it’s also a ton of fun. You can’t go wrong with a lot of climbing destinations in Colorado, but we’re always fond of Independence Pass between Leadville and Aspen. Just like rafting, if you have no idea what you’re doing we’d tell you to hire a guide and tip them fat. If you think you know what you’re doing because you just climbed the pink route in the corner at your local climbing gym, well… maybe still get a guide.

Caving: Cave of the Winds 

If you’re trying to feel the wind through your hair while you attempt to reach terminal velocity, or proverbially shit your pants in a literal breath-taking cave system, the good news is you could do both of these things at Cave of the Winds in Manitou Springs. If you want to feel like that Tom Petty song, you can hit the Terror-Dactyl for a mere $35 per person, and get dropped 150 feet into the void on one of the coolest canyon rope swings we’ve ever been on. If you’re more of a claustrophobic thrill seeker, take the expedition tour, where you wiggle around on all fours in a God-forsaken cave system, hoping you don’t get stuck in a body-wide tunnel. Honestly, we’re sure it’s great. We just don’t really care for tight spaces. 

Downhill Mountain Biking: Steamboat Springs

Climbing is fun, but it’s a slow struggle as you attempt to ascend towards the heavens. If you have a need for speed, we’d remind you that the Good Lord gave us feet so that we may pedal our bikes. If you’re not much for pedaling, Colorado is chock-full of downhill resorts, where you can take a gondola or chairlift to the top of the resort and then rip down some sticky, dirty single track with glee and occasional reckless abandon. Our favorite resort for downhilling is the park at Steamboat, though we are biased and would also recommend Granby and Purgatory. Be warned, if you’re going to rip down the mountain at mach speeds, it’s probably worth renting a downhill bike and pads from a nearby bike shop. Pads and a full face helmet help to keep your bones and teeth inside your body, while a downhill bike is designed to be a lot cushier when hitting big jumps and casing huge gaps. In other words, that bike your parents have stowed away in their garage from 2004 probably isn’t your best bet if you’re trying to get sendy with it.