Somehow, contemporary culture has dreamed up the fantasy of hooking up with aliens — good looking ones, though, with big green eyes, two soft hands and ten toes. Ones Shatner or Starlord would bang. You know, blue humanoids with odd cheeks and ears.
If you're into that, the closest place to look for an alien hookup this side of the solar-system is Proxima Centauri, or 4.24 light years away. But assuming you don’t want to wait for Tesla to invent a spaceship to take you there, the only real “planet” you can land on is the Alien Cathouse in Nevada.
The sci-fi-themed brothel sits about 85 miles northwest of Las Vegas on US 95 in the Amargosa Valley. It’s in the middle of nowhere, and certainly not as near to Area 51 as their advertisements would have you believe.
Yet people still flock to the oddly themed brothel.
The savvy marketing belongs to Dennis Hof, a prostitution mogul who’s been pimpin’ strong for 27 years and owns seven other establishments, most notably, The Bunny Ranch.
On its website, the intended operation of the Alien Cathouse is abundantly clear:
“On an interstellar mission to bring erotic pleasure to the entire universe, the Cosmic Kittens from the planet Venus 69 set out on a fantastic voyage across deep space — but a freak mishap caused their starship to crash land on planet Earth… Now, stranded on a strange planet… the Cosmic Kittens have vowed to use their extraterrestrial sexual prowess to help horny Earthlings satisfy their insatiable carnal desires…”
A self-proclaimed sex enthusiast we spoke with named Rand (name changed for anonymity) has visited The Alien. He digs it, but wasn’t so keen on the idea it’s tied so closely to Area 51 — the “secret government site” known for “alien encounters” when it's so far away.
“(It’s) located on the south edge of the Nevada Test Site (as in nuclear tests),” he says.
According to Google Maps, he’s right. The infamous base is actually about 70 miles north, over a 2 hour ride by car. To be fair, many businesses even remotely close to the "Area" consider themselves a part of the lore though. Area 51 Fireworks, the Alien Research Center and even the Little A'Le'Inn Lodging are all separated by hundreds of miles of desert from one another.
Still, it does happen to be the only legal brothel in the U.S. to have a theme. This is possible because Nevada is the only state in the union to host legal prostitution. The reason you don't see brothels next to the Bellagio, however, has to do with a law banishing them to counties with populations under 700,000.
That doesn't stop the bulk of the sex industry playing out illegally on casino floors and through Internet to porch transactions though.
Which is fine for convenience, but it’s also a whole lot more risky. According to the Alien Cathouse’s media director, Richard Hunter, “Any girl that can ‘arrive at your door in 30 minutes’ or that you meet in the lobby of a casino is unlicensed and untested.”
State law dictates that legal prostitutes must be subject to monthly blood tests for HIV and Syphilis, though many brothels run full STI scans once a week. Other statutes include condom clauses, criminally lofty tax brackets, age restrictions, and advertising no-nos.
As a result of those laws, the desolate view from the Alien Cathouse fittingly resembles the surface of Mars: a barren wasteland desert that stretches for miles until it juts up abruptly into what most Midwesterners would call hills. The businesses that reside there seem equally unconcerned with first impressions.
Imagine, left to right, a hulk green gas station adjoined to a diner that morphs L-shaped into a pink Motel 6 looking bordello with fuel pumps and semis parked out front.
The Alien's all-white interior is a bit more cozy, though not nearly as ritzy as you might assume an alien-themed brothel would be. Its main lobby features a centrally located stripper pole, as well as a bar, pool tables, hoaky cutouts of grey aliens and some couches. The walls are dotted with pictures of half naked women, framed Star Wars posters, and other interstellar memorabilia.
The hallways are built for single file travel, and for the most part, the rooms — which belong to individual girls who rotate every few weeks — have simple layouts with simple beds.
But to be fair, the house also hosts a gym, hot tub and a spa with foam party possibilities. Though if none of this sells you on it, its “probing room” might.
“We do have a probing room, and it’s part of our sci-fi ‘alien abduction’ theme,” explains Hunter. “As far as what goes on there, it’s pretty much what you are imagining. A lot of probes going in and out of orifices.”
The room is flanked by a metallic wall that looks like it was fashioned out of the faces of old stereo speakers. A bed with spread eagle bondage ropes sits in the middle with whips and “probes” reflecting off a large mirror that is, yet again, surrounded by odd extra-terrestrial decorations.
Oh, and the hanging sex swing.
Exactly whose orifices these things will be going in and out of is, apparently, up to the client.
So, maybe the visuals aren’t out of this world, but that's not what they’re selling. They’re pitching an experience (plus other things), and many of the women are beautiful enough to make anyone forget about the geeky scenery.
Besides, another massive selling point for their mostly middle-aged and nerdy clientele, is their fantasy role-playing services. Also known as cosplay, the women regularly don everything from Princess Leia outfits to Poison Ivy attire; and if you’re game, you can dress up as your favorite space hero as well.
This is but one planet in the weird galaxy of shit that happens at The Alien, which seems to span the breadth of erotic palates.
As their website explains, all sexual deviances, including romantic girlfriend experiences, orgies and BDSM situations are welcomed. (To give you an idea of the extent of the services you can ask for, the establishment has been sued in the past by a patron who was denied a refund after he propositioned a woman to play dead and complained that he could still see her breathing.)
“We refused to refund his money,” says Hunter. “… and his claim was thrown out by a very bewildered judge.”
Regardless of whether or not you're interested in purchasing a couple hours with one of their girls, the establishment encourages visitors to stop in for snacks and trinkets at their convenience store or a free tour. If you are interested in booking time though, there’s a few things you should know before you make the trip.
Six women at a time stay in the house and are available 365 days a year, 24/7 hours a day. They’re all private contractors, professional and courteous, and when you knock on the front door, you’ll hear a buzzing sound indicating that it has been unlocked. Then the Cosmic Kittens will line up and introduce themselves. You’ll pick a lady, and the two of you will go on a tour of the place which ends in her room. Then you’ll discuss expectations and payment and whatever you're into will transpire. If you’re really jazzed about whatever that was, you can choose to stay in their guest room for at least as long as your money lasts.
As Hunter explains, “We have had clients whose three-hour intent turned into a three-week reality.”
And it sounds like a pretty sweet deal, especially if you get the “all-inclusive-sex-vacation package.” Starting at a reasonable $2,500, this entitles you to limo service, limitless liquor, lodging and as stated by their ex-madam Sonja Bandolik, “your sex parties.”
But what’s a simple blowjob gonna cost you? It’s hard to say. No pun intended. The Alien’s phone line will tell you that prices can't be discussed over any telecommunication service. But from what Rand and others say who have been there, they’re negotiable. Prices vary widely based on the request, the size of the house, the proximity to a large city, and the woman’s rates.
And despite what brothels would have you believe, Rand goes on say, “There is a house minimum. You can find a detailed table of price averages on the [Sex in Nevada forum] board.”
One more word of advice if you decide you want to have sleep with the Cosmic Kittens: be presentable.
“A working girl told me she price-walked a guy (quoted a ridiculously high price) because even from several feet away, his breath made her gag,” Rand explains.
So it’s not exactly procreation with sexy blue interstellar Avatar lifeforms as you’ve always wanted deep down, but it’s the closest we Earthlings have.
For now. …