Ever gotten patted down by TSA in the airport security line and thought to yourself, "Man, the last time I got this much action is when I showed the football team how to deflate balls in college?"

Yeah, us too. We can't tell if it's our shapely legs or award-winning personalities that make them do it, but either way, TSA's current approach to patting us down feels more like a virgin's epic journey towards second base than a modest security scan.

Lucky for us — but more luckily for them — pat-downs are about to get a whole lot more invasive.

TSA is introducing a brand-new, "more rigorous" pat-down method that they say some travelers mind find a bit more "forward" than the old way. Intended to simplify TSA's multiple pat-down procedures into one, streamlined version, the new method will essentially allow them to caress you down in a much "more intimate" manner if they feel you're a security threat.

Under the old guard, TSA had to use the backs of their hands to search you body for explosives. But now, if they suspect you're covered in bombs, they've got the go-ahead to stroke you with their palms and fingers as they inspect you for security threats. If they're going to use the front-hand technique on you though, they'll have to do so in a private security area. However, you can request that it takes place in public if a.) you want to hold them accountable for touching you weird, and b.) if you like to show off.

TSA also issued a proactive warning to local police departments that travelers might find these new pat-downs odd, and that they might be calling 911 reporting some friskier officers than they'd expected. "Searches will be more thorough and may involve an officer making more intimate contact than before," the agency said in a security notice from the Airports Council International North America to its members last week.

“Due to this change, TSA asked FSDs [field security directors] to contact airport law enforcement and brief them on the procedures in case they are notified that a passenger believes a [TSA employee] has subjected them to an abnormal screening practice,” ACI wrote.

Translation? If you feel you were wrongfully inspected and felt up by a TSA officer, your local police have essentially been informed to ignore your situation and tell you that the groping was all part of the new, beefed up security program.

… Great. All the better reason to leave your cocaine-stuffed bra and flamethrower at home this time.

All jokes aside though, will the average traveler who's not being felt up for shoe bombs really notice a difference?


“I would say people who in the past would have gotten a pat-down that wasn’t involved will notice that the [new] pat-down is more involved,” a TSA spokesman told Bloomberg.

God damn it. At least take us to dinner first …