Every woman wants a tight vagina. A snug snatch is the gold standard of orifices men want to have sex with.
But in the quest for a tight vagina, many women are being exploited by an entire industry of bullshit coochie merchandise.
Some ladies will spend hours practicing kegels, clenching their muscles until they have a Hulk pussy in their lacy panties. Others will go under the knife, getting vaginal rejuvenation surgery to slice and dice their vagina back to its youthful glory days.
Then there’s the women don’t want to spend weeks doing crotch work-outs, or spend thousands to sculpt their genitals to look just like a Barbie Doll’s. They might feel embarrassed to seek professional help, or want a simple, affordable and less invasive solution.
For them, this world of vaginal tightening products — pills, herbs, magic wands, gels, creams, oils, detergents, and even ground-up wasps nests — offers the most alluring promise for the firmest lady-flower they’ve ever known.
Ladies seemingly never tire of shoving strange potions up their vaginas. As a health columnist once wrote about the industry of vaginal tightening products, "Vaginas are like walls at which to throw medicinal spaghetti."
However, medical experts say there’s really no evidence these pussy products do a damn thing to alleviate “looseness.” If anything, they’re just a concoction of chemicals that will make your vagina swollen, or itchy, or burn every time you pee.
The coochie is a delicate ecosystem of ideal pH balance, bacteria and sugars. Thrusting a hefty dose of “18 Again” vaginal shrink cream up there is like tossing a grenade into that ecosystem.
This merchandise’s miraculous medical claims are easily disproven. For example, most creams and gels say that applying the product to the outermost layer of cells will, in time, tighten up that pussy.
But it’s primarily the pelvic muscles deep under the skin that control the “tightness” of a vagina. No vaginal cream, gel or lotion will be able to seep deep enough to penetrate those deeper layer of muscles.
The products also tend to claim they can boost the results of your kegel exercises, yet there’s also no proof the ingredients in these creams can increase blood flow to the targeted muscles, or do generally anything else that can aid in muscle tone improvement.
A lot of the ingredients can act like an astringent, which would make your vagina constrict, puckering it up like a mouth filled with Warheads. This mostly makes you feel pretty damn uncomfortable, which causes your vagina to tense up and likely gives you a feeling of “tightness” at the cost of physical comfort and arousal.
Beyond that, most of these products’ instructions require you to perform vaginal strengthening exercises after every application. If your twat does in fact tighten up, it’s likely the outcome of hardcore kegeling, not a magical coochie cream.
Unfortunately, concerns about loose pussies are mostly in women’s heads. “Vaginal laxity” is certainly a medical condition that some women suffer from, but the demand for these useless products is far more often the result of women’s body insecurities.
Myths that too much sex makes a woman loose or childbirth creates a loose vagina forever ooze into our collective conscious and fuel this business of vaginal snake oils.
Only once we kill off those stupid fears of “throwing a hot dog down a hallway” or “tossing a twig into the Grand Canyon,” we can kill this manipulative industry once and for all.
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