Sure, you could buy a Porsche or get so fucked with muscles you can’t whip your own ass. But for some dudes out there, they see no alternative to enhance their self-confidence than to try and enlarge their dong.
Blame it on porn or societal beauty standards if you must. Still, we’re left with a lot of dudes out there who want to make their one-eyed-trouser-snake into an anaconda (don’t want none unless you got buns, hun).
And while there are a few common, less extreme methods out there, such as weird work-out exercies (something called Jelqing), cock pumps and even just not jerking off (aka edging), dudes are doing some extreme shit to try and look like Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights.
Let’s list them! Along the way you’ll hear from renowned cosmetic surgeon, Dr. Victor Loria, who specializes in this sort of thing.
Most of Dr. L’s clients who request this type of treatment, “feel inadequate about their penile size, cannot satisfy their partner, or feel that the ‘package’ is too small when flaccid or looks too small in a bathing suit, especially when wet.”
Okay, here’s some wild shit dudes are doing to their pricks.
Injections
The “P-shot”
If you Google “penis enhancement” (which we had to A LOT for this article) one of the first things you’ll come across is something called the “P-Shot”. The Priapus shot was apparently named after the Greek god of virility, and claims to be a “pain free injection.”
Dr. Loria believes it’s a giant hoax. “This is PRP or Platelet Rich Plasma, which does absolutely nothing but pickpocket the patient. It is touted as a penis enlargement treatment that simply does nothing but extort money … stay away from this.”
HGH
Steroids. We searched on a weird forum called, PEGym, which is all about male sexual improvement, to see if anyone had some insight into this. We found a thread called ”Let’s settle this HGH topic” and one dude who seemed to know his shit when it came to cocks.
“Localized injections of HGH will have no effect except due to swelling or irritated penile tissue,” says Discipline777. “You’re just increasing your chance of infection, abscess and all kinds of injury by shooting into your cock.”
With a handle like Discipline777, you know that this dude knows what the fuck he’s talking about.
Another penis enlargement method debunked. Moving on!
Fat
Hope you didn’t just eat lunch. Say you’ve got a little extra fat around your abdomen, you can just have that injected between your skin and erectile tissue.
Lose weight, get a bigger hammer. Get two birds stoned at once.
Beyond the the obvious things that can get fucked up here (you risk infection, abscess, deformation), the main problem with injecting fat into your John Thomas is that it probably won’t work if your blood vessels don’t properly grow into the fat tissue.
“Fat transfer has been available for decades regarding male enhancement,” says Dr. Loria. “There are pros and cons with this type of treatment. For example, when transferring your own fat to the penis, it may die and dissolve away, so the need for multiple treatments might be necessary. If the fat does take or survive, it may be unbalanced looking, or drop to the base of the penis looking like a donut, or it may form very large lumps. In addition, fat still feels like fat when it is in the penis … so having a ‘soft’ feeling erection is not always favorable.”
Also, The American Urological Association (AUA) and the Urology Care Foundation feel pretty confident that this is an unsafe practice.
Collagen
You know, the stuff your mom injects into her lips and tits so she can feel like she did when your dad chose to invite her to the back seat of his Camaro after the high school dance?
Collagen is a household name in manufactured beauty. So it’s no surprise that guys would think to inject it into their shlongs as a substitute for gross fat. But hey, big surprise there are a lot of complications that happen with collagen as well.
There’s actually a case study in the National Library of Medicine that says, “There is no reliable material as filler for penile soft tissue … Because of their composition and biochemical characteristics, they may act as a foreign body in the tissue, eliciting severe allergic reactions.”
So yeah. Allergic reactions are bad. But Dr. Loria says modern collagen is still a much better option than fat.
“In some cases a fat transfer may work, however, with the new minimally invasive techniques available using permanent filler, why would one consider fat transfer when you can have your own natural collagen form under the penile skin which feels much more natural?” the Doc proposes. “When collagen forms, it permanently anchors under the penile skin and is very stable. It feels natural in the flaccid and erect states, and is permanent.”
Olive Oil
So way back in 2005, word was that bros in Thailand were injecting olive oil (which is obviously super cheap and easy to get) into their Bangkoks.
The fad of these injections was so widespread, that Thailand’s Department of Medical Services had to release a statement asking men to stop. In a report by Pattaya Today, the surgeon general of the Police General Hospital was quoted as saying that, “tens of thousands of men have [injected themselves]” and that doctors were seeing “30 or 40 patients turn up at the hospital every month.”
The results were pretty gruesome. Men were admitted to Thai hospitals with deformities, and one poor bastard needed to have his bits and pieces amputated after developing penile cancer.
Dr. Loria is pretty clear here; don’t do this. “Any non-medical, non-sterile type of substances such as olive oil (cooking oils or the like), Home Depot type of commercial grade silicone oils, or the like, are very dangerous to inject anywhere in the body.”
Coconut Oil
Also known as Karen Viagra. This story popped up on Vice not long ago, about a girl named, Koko who volunteered at a refugee camp in Burma, and who had to treat multiple men who had shot up their tallywackers with coconut oil as a way to make them look bigger.
“Well, firstly, the coconut oil solidifies around the penis — the actual penis — so between the skin of the shaft and the organ itself. Then after a few years your penis just stops working. Difficulty peeing, reduction in sensitivity, pain, and no erections, so no sex," Koko was quoted as saying.
“There could be serious consequences such as infection, scar formation, penile malformation, penile necrosis (loss of penis), and systemic complications such as infection and migration of the foreign injected material into other parts of the body … lots of problems,” adds Dr. Loria
Did your read the part that said, “loss of penis”? Definitely don’t do this either.
Restylane
Restylane is a FDA-approved dermal filler made of a biodegradable, non-animal stabilized hyaluronic acid, according to Google… whatever that means.
And the internet actually speaks pretty highly of it.
According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, after researchers injected Restylane into 50 man horns, they found that there was an average increase in circumference (or girth) of 4 cm, and that increase had remained 18 months later.
Not that getting a Restylane treatment is a walk in the park. The procedure requires the use of a "hefty" needle to inject about 20.5 cc (just under a fucking ounce) of the Restylane, using "a back-and-forth technique" to get into the deep soft tissue layers of your wedding tackle.
Dr. Loria isn’t so sold on Restylane either. “Restylane or any non-permanent filler is a very poor choice for male enhancement for many reasons,” he says. “When placing temporary filler such as Restylane, Juvederm, Sculptura, etc., it produces very little collagen, and will not anchor properly. Meaning that during intercourse you can ‘push’ all the filler to the base of the penile shaft, and it will feel ‘squishy’ because it does not generate any appreciable permanent well anchored collagen. One may remotely consider placing temporary filler only if a patient is that frightened about permanent filler, and he wants to experience how a temporary enlargement ‘feels’.”
Surgeries
Alloderm implants
We swear this is real thing.
“This is skin from a cadaver (dead person) and is processed and sterilized (hopefully), and then placed under the penile skin and stitched to hold in place,” says Dr. Loria
Still reading this? Then sing it with us, “Be mmyyyyyy Frank-en-stein”
“The problem with this type of treatment is that the implant can dissolve and form fragments, and it will feel like ‘floating’ pieces under the penile skin. Secondly, the Alloderm offers a limited size increase and limited natural feel. Most of the time you can feel the ‘edges’ of the Alloderm graft … not so natural-feeling.”
Right. What’s the point of an undead flesh speer if it doesn’t even feel nature?
You’ve heard of this. Autografts is when you take skin off something with skin to spare, like your own ass, and then stitching it to the thing you want to enhance, similar to Alloderm.
So you can have a buttdick. Which is never not funny to say.
“There is ‘added value’ with this technique … you not only have the bonus of getting a nice scar on your buttocks from the skin removal, but also you can have actual hair grow from the skin grat — yes, hair growing from the skin graft — while under the penile skin, which will cause abscess formations. What a mess!” says Dr. Loria
A big, dangerous block of silicone
We love that there’s just no medical term for this. It’s just a big fucking block that can rip your wedding tackle in half. According to Dr. L,
“Then there is a technique performed in the US and possibly other countries that inserts a large rubber block of silicone under the skin of the penis. The issue with this is not only are there surgical risks, but also the large rubber silicone block can dislodge and even break through the penile skin. Imagine having intercourse and a big piece of silicone rubber sticks out through the skin? There might be a moderate success rate with this treatment but the risks are too high in my opinion. It’s like a ticking time bomb.”
Suspensory Ligament Cutting
We’d bet $5 that you cringed just reading that.
The surgical procedure involves cutting specific ligaments that actually connect your manhood to the pubic bone area in order to lengthen it, but again, according to Dr. Loria, the surgery has
“many downsides” such as the potential for:
1. Being horribly scarred in the pubic area.
2. Changing of the angle of your boner to be more “downward”.
3. Increasing in the risk of a penile fracture.
4. Massive scar tissue formation which would result in a shortened penile length.
5. Yielding no results at all.
“In the vast minority of cases it may increase the penile flaccid and erect length by ½ inch, but would you take a chance and have a major surgery, with all of those risks??” asks Dr. L.
Damn. That was excruciating. What’s the moral of the story here?
There are 304,995 ways to make your dick bigger, but literally none of them work or are even sort of worth the risks. You’re much better off learning to that whole “self love” thing, or, at the very least, getting really, really good at oral.
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