Ever look at yourself in the mirror in a non-Silence of the Lambs way and think, “I’d fuck me"?

We all have those days when we’re feeling especially hump-worthy. But what is it exactly about those days that makes us so primed for Poundtown?

To discover the source of this erotic confidence, we asked several 20-somethings (and one grandpa) the question, “When do you feel your sexiest?”

The responses we got were pretty elucidating … turns out, there are only a baby's handful of things that make people feel fuckable, and surprisingly, none of them had anything to do with brains.

“When I compare myself to someone significantly uglier than I am.”
–Karl, 23

“After the 5th shot of tequila.”
–Jenna, 21

"When my eyelashes look perfect and my skin is glowning."
-Liz, 27

"I don't really feel fuckable per se … I'm always pretty shocked when a girl is into me. But I do feel a lot hornier when a girl tells me she thinks I'm sexy."
-Nathan, 26

"Sometimes, when my boyfriend is fucking me, he'll stop and look down at me and go 'You're so fucking sexy.' That makes me feel like a million billion bucks. And fuckable since I'm … already getting fucked."
-Maria, 24

“When my legs and pussy are freshly shaved.”
–Angelina, 22

“When I get home from the gym and I’m all stinky and greasy, I’ll squat naked in front of a full-length mirror for a solid 5 minutes. Sometimes I’ll have my girlfriend watch, so that she can tell me how sexy I look.”
–Nick, 27

"Sometimes, I'll grab a mirror and just look at my vagina. Like, kind of poke around down there and inspect it. It's so strikingly feminine and delicate, that it give me an immense amount of confidence. Knowing how much pleasure it brings me and how much of my personality is based around seeking pleasure for it is exciting."
-Megan, 29

“On Molly.”
–Chris, 24

“When I give my boyfriend a stiffy in public.”
–Kristen, 24

“When my push-up bra hoists my tits so far up that they’re resting under my chin.”
–Natasha, 26

"When I flex my abs and a six-pack pops out. Also when I'm high, I think I look pretty good."
-Brian, 23

“Thirty minutes after I take a Cialis.”
–Pete, 62

Notice anything in common with all of these responses? They’re all either substance-induced or purely physical. Respondents felt most confident when their bodies fit into culturally-deemed standards of sexiness — huge gazongas, a smoothly shaven snatch and bulging steroid muscles. No one seemed to glean sexual confidence from accomplishing a difficult mental task, achieving a life goal, making someone laugh, being smart, or making money. It was all sort of … outer beauty stuff.

… Maybe we don’t value personality as much as we thought?

That, and people really seemed to rely on substances like dick pills, booze or MDMA to give them that inhibition-busting push of confidence they need to feel comfortable in their own sexuality. That's interesting, isn't it? Perhaps that sense of confidence is always there, lurking below conscious perception, but we either lack the physical ability to show it (i.e., when we can't get a boner without Cialis), or we're too scared to let it come out with having a substance to blame it on.

For example: "Whoops! Sorry I tried to fuck you last night, I was soo high!"

Also interesting to note: the things we find sexy about ourselves aren't necessarily things other people would care extensively about.

For example … perfect eyelashes? Maybe they'd make other girls ask you what type of mascara you use, but would imperfect lashes really keep someone from fucking you?

It's no secret that we're way too hard on ourselves when it comes to physical appearance, but it's possible we're expending too much energy stressing about the minutia of how we look rather than the bigger picture of who we are. What about instead of perfect eyelashes, we felt fuckable knowing we just got a promotion or our stand-up comedy routine made at least 23 people in a room laugh?

At the same time … whatever gives you confidence, right? If your eyelashes or abs or vagina make you feel good about yourself, ain't a thing wrong with that.

People also seemed to rely on other people to tell them when they're sexy. Instead of that feeling emanating from a natural source of confidence within, people seem to seek external validation for feelings of fuckability.

This vanity is completely natural, though. After all, sexual selection in the animal kingdom is based largely on physicality and looks — which male peacock has the bossiest plume? Even our closest mammalian relatives, chimps, value size and musculature over a less-imposing frame when it comes to mate selection. From an evolutionary standpoint, external attractiveness signifies healthiness and reproductive viability, so the fact that that's seeped into our modern self-image is not surprising. Perhaps we’re no more evolved than every other animal that seeks their fuck cushions based on physical superiority.

It seems when it comes to sex, we’re all just a bunch of filthy animals.

[originally published August 16, 2017]