Now that you’re a couple, the bars have become as boring as your grandpa’s war stories. Don’t worry, we’ll save you.
The only thing more pointless than going to the bar when you have a girlfriend is learning algebra in high school. What’s the point of going to the bars when you’re taken? You wouldn’t go grocery shopping when you already have groceries at home. Because then you end up standing in the grocery store thinking, “Why the fuck am I here?” And everyone is saying, “Yea why are you here? You should go home and fuck your groceries.”
So, if you’re bored as fuck at the bar, here are a few ideas to keep you happy.
*If you're a girl and you have a boyfriend, or have something else worked out with yourself, take this same advice (make it you-appropriate).
1. Try and start a dance floor where people don't want you to
Go into the men’s bathroom and bust a move. You should be going so hard that people think you were an extra in Step Up. If people tell you to stop, just yell, “You couldn’t stop them in Footloose and you can’t stop me now!” If you do get physically thrown from the bathroom, crip walk your way over to the bar, get on it, and moonwalk down the ol’ thing making sure to knock over everyone’s drinks. You’ll get ejected from the bar quickly, so dougie your way over to a late night pizza place and see if you can do a stanky legg so good they give you a free slice.
2. Get high enough to forget where you are
The best way to get around being bored at the bar is to get so high you forget you’re actually at the bar.
We suggest you take three bongs tokes, two joints to the face, and smoke a bowl with a partridge in a pear tree. Get so high that you think it’s acceptable to play Phish on the jukebox. Get so high that social interaction becomes impossible, which means not talking to girls, which means keeping your girlfriend happy. She’ll be thrilled you got so high your eyes looked like they were stung by bees.
3. Open the Notes on your phone and start that novel you've been talking about
Stop complaining that you’re too busy to write that great idea. With nothing to do at the bar, you now have a perfect block of time to become the next Hemingway. Open the notes on your phone and get those thumbs to work. If you write one chapter every time you’re out at the bars, you’ll have a complete novel you can send to publishers in a matter of months. Once you’re a best-selling author making millions, don’t forget to throw a bone to the magazine that pushed you in the right direction.
4. Up your fantasy football knowledge
Are you sick of losing every week because your lineup just can’t perform? Don’t wait around for them to kick it up a notch. Now is your chance to become a fantasy football connoisseur. Take a seat at the bar and start doing some research on your phone. Read every fantasy blog this side of the Mississippi. After a few trips to the bar you should know more about winning than that goblin Bill Belichick.
5. Make money
Did you know there are hundreds of way to make money just using your phone? No, you don’t have to be a webcam girl. Take a few surveys to make a quick buck. Also, Bing will pay you to switch over from Google and start searching with them. We know you hate Bing more than you hate being in a couple at the bar, but give it a second chance. Or say “fuck it” and start pick pocketing the drunkest people in the bar.
So, next time you’re at the bar, don’t fret, you have options. You can have fun now that you know the possibilities. And if all else fails, fight the bouncer for no reason. At least when you’re unconscious you can’t be bored.