Tantra has a strange fascination with vaginas. The ancient Hindu/Buddhist traditions are wildly popular with modern hippies who preach woo-woo practices like “energy work” and “crystal healing.”

Some of the weirdest tantra beliefs and rituals involve the “yoni,” also known as the “womb,” “sacred space,” or “pussy hole.” Take, for example, yoni eggs — a foreign object they recommend you cram up your coochie for myriad health and spiritual benefits.

[JadeEgg yoni egg, amethyst]

Yoni eggs are gems or stones, carved into an egg shape and polished, for the sake of ladies’ comfort. Legend tells that twat eggs were a strictly guarded secret of Chinese royalty — used by queens and concubines to “stay in shape” for emperors. The slimy stones helped women harness the magical powers of their muffs, awaken their sensuality, and maintain feminine health into their old age.

But recently, some blabbermouth in the Chinese nobility must have let the secret slip. Whispers of royals laying eggs like geese reached the U.S., and plebs snatched the practice for their own snatches. Soon enough, Gwyneth Paltrow was selling yoni eggs under her notorious GOOP lifestyle brand.

[GOOP yoni egg, rose quartz]

Sellers stress the importance of purchasing yoni eggs made of real gemstone. Case in point, this New Age article entitled “How to Take Care of Your Yoni” advises: “This is your sacred space — don’t fill it with fakes.” Ladies’ demand for authentic pearls in their clams naturally drives up the price tag. It costs around $65 for a single ovite ornament.

A small price to pay, some would argue, for all of yoni eggs’ incredible health benefits. Advocates insist vagina eggs increase libido, tighten the vaginal walls, heighten sensitivity, enhance lubrication and estrogen levels after menopause, help overcome infertility, speed recovery after childbirth, reduce PMS, menstrual cramps and duration of periods, and likely make your vagina taste like cotton candy.

[Love Stone yoni egg, nephrite jade]

Yoni eggs are part of a much wider swath of tantra’s absurd vaginal practices. Yogis also swear by yoni steaming, which is essentially a sauna for your cunt.

At Intentional Orgasm, a center for meditation and sensual massage, “Goddess Workshops” offer yoni steaming, sunning and gazing to turn your coochie into a chamber of wellness.

Yoni steaming involves sitting over a bubbling stew of 13 herbs and spices, to open up the tissues of your vagina and let the herbs seep in. Yoni sunning involves spreading your pussy lips open in the heat of high noon, and allowing the sun’s vitamin D to enter. Finally, yoni gazing is a lot like gazing deeply into another person’s eyes — except it’s gazing with love and appreciation and honor into another woman’s coochie.

Gynecologists wouldn’t recommend tantra as the most effective method of vaginal health, but likely because it would put them out of a job. The simple truth is: when that crystal you shoved up your pee hole finally aligns with your chakra — that’s vagina nirvana.