In a surprising new twist on an old issue, a recent online survey revealed that by in large, the last players in the foreplay game appear to be heterosexual men. I presented a simple question via Facebook: How do you avoid foreplay? Many more people responded than I'd ever expected. The results, however, were even more telling.
Ladies appear to be the new rulers of the bedroom.
“As long as it’s give and take, it’s usually needed,” said Jordan L., a twenty-something real estate agent in Denver, Colorado.
“Avoid it? Why would you avoid it?” responded Bradley V. from Corning, New York.
Farrell F. from Kansas offered, “It’s my favorite part!”
And a Will O., also from Denver, posted a picture of Eeyore — explaining that’s how he feels when there’s no foreplay.
The survey was originally posted as a means to gather data and comments from men to share with other men on how to avoid the often time consuming and cumbersome act of foreplay. It quickly became a forum for women though, discussing how each skips the romance and gets right to the reason.
“I just come out and say I don't want all that tonight. Not very exciting, no tricks. Just, ‘let's have quick sex because I want to go to sleep,’” said Rianna M. “I have a lot of chores, like put away laundry, go make dinner, I want to go to sleep; I get up early in the morning for work.”
“I know what you mean,” responded Julie M. “Sometimes, I’ve just gotta say, ‘I'm horny, just hurry up and f**k me.’”
Rhonda W. from Las Vegas also uses the ain’t no one got time for that excuse — “Well, I just say, ‘We gotta make this quick, I hear the kids moving around’ and that gets him every time. Maybe the it's ‘now or never’ pressure that’s an aphrodisiac for [him]. Honestly, I've got shit to do. If I want to do it, I'm ready to do it and don't need the ‘prep’ work."
Linda M. put a new spin on an old excuse, “I tell him ‘I’ve got a migraine,’” indicating that her headache excuse isn’t a means to get out of sex, but to get right into it.
Some women weren’t as straightforward, however. “In college, after I returned from a mission in Nicaragua, I told a guy that I contracted a saliva-activated virus so I could avoid all that kissing,” boasted Alicia S. from Clearwater, Florida.
Stephanie S. from Coos Bay, Oregon, said she uses geography as her avoidance method, “Do it away from the bedroom. In the kitchen, the shower, the living room, doesn't matter — this works like a charm — every time!”
“I’m in my 40’s — I don’t have time or energy for a lot of foreplay," said Tami W. from South Denver. My method is simple, I wear my cat’s pajamas — they’re neither sexy nor attractive. I give the signal that I’m ready and if he doesn’t get it, no big deal, I’m already dressed for an evening of Netflix.”
While the women each had great, or at least effective, methods to avoid the appetizer and jump right to the main course, most were reluctant to post their methods on the public survey for all to see.
“I started to post my answer but my kids are online,” said Julie M. “I wanted to give you my answer on private message because my mom reads your stuff,” said another. And indeed, most of the juiciest details were provided in private message; signaling that women are empowered to own their sexual needs but not quite as ready to admit to it.
None of this was very surprising to relationship professional, Kirsten Thromgood. “This isn’t all that shocking,” she says. “Women today are busy … not that women before weren’t, but [today’s women are] busy and empowered to own their sexuality and sexual needs to a degree that previous generations of women may have wanted but didn’t fully achieve.”
“The response of the straight guys doesn’t really surprise me, either,” Thrumgood continues. “With things like the #MeToo movement and the fact that we’ve opened the floodgates for straight men to ‘embrace their emotions,’ we’ve almost gotten to a point where we’ve subjugated guys,” she laughs. “It’s feminism 2.0 — it’s no longer equality of the sexes, it’s almost domination by women.”
Is this healthy? “I’m a therapist, I think it’s always healthy to ‘embrace emotions’ but guys are going to have to learn to take back some of their power in relationships because although women want equality, conversely, many also want, even need, the occasional ‘knight in shining armor’ treatment,” Thrumgood cautions. “Although, I will say, the fact that straight guys have learned the importance of foreplay is definitely a place where healthy relationships thrive — it indicates a level of empathy and concern for a partner that can only benefit a relationship.”
Less clever but equally as effective were the avoidance techniques from gay men."I just say 'I'm not really into kissing,'" says Byron Hayes from Camden, South Carolina.
“Turn porn on, become dominate, turn your partner over and pull his pants down, shove it in there!” exclaims Rylan P. from Flat Lick, Kentucky.
“I just say ‘I like it rough,’ they usually allow me to skip it completely,” offers Ney S. from Allentown, Pennsylvania.
Perhaps the most effective answer actually did come from a straight guy, however. Kevin M., a newlywed from Thornton offered, “I just randomly poke until she says, ‘get it over with,’” — proving once again that so often in a relationship, when you want to get out of any chore, from laundry to cooking to foreplay, the best method is a classic … just be really, really bad at it.